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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Nameless

I read a comment on someone's blog a couple of days ago that said they hated it when people went missing from their blogs. They it made them wonder just what it was that person was up to? What are they hiding? What are they ashamed of? Well... let me tell you where I've been. 

My last post was very motivating, I was motivated. But before I could climb, there was an avalanche...

I've been on my couch. Why you ask? Was I sick? No. And yes. Am I okay? Yes. And no. I've been watching Grey's Anatamony. For two weeks, on Hulu. I've been eating... a lot. I've been binging... a lot. I've been beating myself up inside, and hiding on the outside. I've been avoiding people - and only going to work because if I didn't, I'd lose my job. So I go to work, and pretend it's okay - that I'm okay. When really? All I want to do is something other then be inside my brain.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way. My depression started in high school. Junior year to be exact. My friends were depressed, and I wanted to fit in. So I decided to be depressed. They pulled out of it (most of them) and I never really did. I went through some.... well we'll just say "attention getting" times. I did some things I'm not proud of. I learned to deal. Eventually, after high school, I took a communication course that helped a LOT. I learned that my depression is my choice. I know that's not the case for everyone, but for me, it is. 

So about every 3-6 months I usually go through a little bad patch. Sometimes, it's not so bad. And it's over quick. And I'm able to move forward. Every now and then, it gets bad, it feels like my feet are in cement. And even though I can see that the sun is shining on the other side of the blinds, I just can't go there. Unless you've been there, unless you've been in this awful dark hole, it's hard to know.

You don't know it, but I've actually written a blog post every day. In my head, I've been posting every day. I've tried to be really upbeat and motivating - while still being honest here. The posts in my head - not so nice. Not so upbeat. Some really quite ugly - you'd probably be shocked, and probably a little disappointed. I know I was. It was just too heavy though and I couldn't post. 

Last Sunday I was suppose to teach a lesson on how to prepare to be a wife. Haha! That was so ironic to me! Here I am, can't drag my butt off the couch to do anything - and I'm suppose to teach them how to prepare for something I can't seem to do. This week anyway. I broke down on Saturday. I broke down hard. I cried so hard, it ended with me hyperventilating and practically having a panic/anxiety attack. It was scary. I think I really freaked Mike out. 

I've said this before, but it was a long time ago. One of my teachers in Massage school taught us that when a person is not living their belief system, they can't be happy. I think that's the problem here. I'm not talking about my religous beliefe's, although I could definitley have some improvement with some things there too! No I'm talking about the mental, physical, and personal beliefs. 

The truth, I've gained just about all the weight back that I lost last year. I am wearing the clothes I started out in, because nothing else fits. I see families every where I go, and all I can think - I wasn't enough. I'm not enough. I truly did believe it. I believed that I would lose the weight. That it was gone for good. That I would finally be free. That I would finally be ready to take that next step with Mike. And now? I find myself physically right back where I started. Mentally, right back where I started! Maybe worse, because not only am I trying to battle the normal thoughts of someone who has been fighting weight forever, but I believed and I failed - again. I threw down the gauntlet, and I failed. Our finances are... depressing. And beyond a few reasonable purchases (like putting Mike in school again - that is worth EVERY penny!), I recognize that also comes down to my choices. Our choices. And I guess worst of all - I recognize that all these "problems" are really SO superficial and I need a slap in the face. Because I know there are people out there who have it much worse then I do. I am so so so so blessed. And I'm the jerk that can't even get out of her own junk and way to see it. Which just starts the whole ball rolling again.

Yesterday (Thursday) I went to lunch, and as I was sitting in my car eating, I suddenly got the desire to clean my car. To be rid of the garbage surrounding me. I went to the car wash and cleaned my car out. It felt really good. For just a moment, I felt some hope. Last night I cleaned for one hour. It was one hour - I know that's not much - but it was one hour more then the day before! I know there is light at the end of this tunnel! I don't know what it holds for me. I don't know if I'll ever get to be that girl. You know the one - who gets to become the picture in my head. Maybe that's the point. It's time to accept what is and learn to just love it.

I'm not really putting this out there because I'm looking for sympathy or pitty (trust, me I know that what I need is a good swift kick in the butt). I'm the one that put me here. And I'm the one that will get myself out.I guess I just finally decided it was time for me to stop hiding. I think you deserve the truth, and that it really is probably one of the steps to my feeling better - no more hiding.Thanks for listening.

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12 comments:

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

First I want to send you a BIG HUG. You've been having a tough time, and it's okay. You're gonna be okay.

You are here now, coming out of hiding (I am a "hider", too, when things aren't going well).

DO NOT give up the vision in your head of who want to be/who you really are - you took a detour and now you are starting to take the steps again to where you want to go.

Regaining and back-sliding is tough (trust me, I've done it a lot, too). But there is always something I've learned from each time I did it.

It is crucial that you see that you are already back on the path to coming back to yourself. You're cleaning stuff up, you're thinking about what you want to do next, you are posting on your blog, you are saying how you feel. You are already moving forward...just keep going with babysteps...babysteps don't require crazy big changes all at once, and they are manageable.

Keep posting. We're here and we understand. If you did it before, you can certainly do it again...you know yourself even better AND you can see what leads you off the path sometimes.

I like what I read or heard Dr. Oz say one time:
There is really only one path you are on. Imagine if you were walking along a road, and suddenly you tripped and fell down. Would you just lie on the side of the road, in the ditch, and say, "Well, I've fallen down...I might as well just lie here forever. No point in going on...No point in trying to get up"?

I think of this all the time...just because I fall down doesn't mean I have to just lie there forever more. The more I practice getting up after a fall, the easier it gets. Some days I fall down and get up again 5 times before it's even noon.

Keep getting up Sam. You CAN do it. The vision you have of yourself is just hidden under some layers...and you've already started the process again to let the real you shine.

Sorry this was so long!

xo Debbie

Eve said...

This post sounds like I wrote it. My last post I was all guns blazing - had lost 3.5lbs. I had goals for working out every day - enjoyable workouts! Eating good because it makes me feel good - and what have I done - NOTHING - ZILCH but EAT, EAT, EAT!

I love how honest you are. That's what will help in the long run. And I think a LOT of people will relate to what you posted. I know I do.

And I agree with Debbie - YOU CAN DO IT! :-)

Sunny said...

I just found your blog and wanted to say, I have been there. I go back there sometimes. Thanks for posting what some of us can't yet.
http://sunny-hcgtrial.blogspot.com/

Lily Fluffbottom said...

Oh, you too? I've been struggling my way through the winter. It seems every time life hiccups something new, its like a tidal wave throwing me off track. But the truth of it is, if I'd stop wandering down to the beach, and maybe stay near higher ground, even if its not as fun, or comfortable, then when the tidal waves come in, I can survive it without losing too much ground.

Natalia said...

Sam, Big Hugs to you! I wish I knew what I could say that would encourage you and lift you up.

I will say that the pounds came back on one at a time and that's how you'll take them off. Don't look behind you. Don't wish that what's been done could be undone, or never done at all (does that make sense?). Own where you're at right now, accept it, and move forward from here!

Don't make it about how many times you've tried, I've been stuck there a lot of times! Make it about what you can change, what you're willing to change and come up with a plan from there. Don't make it about losing the weight super fast, I've been there before, that usually comes with a lot of restrictions and resistance on my part. Come up with something you can live with!

Talk to God, Listen to God! He's there for you!

Again, big Hugs to you! I can relate to how you're feeling!!!

fatgirlwearingthin said...

Sam, I just wish there was something I could do for you. I relate to the depression. I do know what it feels like to feel so heavy that you literally cannot move, barely even breathe. I spent years that way in my twenties. No one really understood then, either. My father thought I needed to get out and go for a walk; that would fix it. I felt alone, and I'm sure in a way, you do too. We tend to isolate ourselves from those who love us when we're depressed because we feel as though somehow there is something wrong with us and we don't want to bring everyone else down. But this act of you posting your feelings here is a huge step. Getting it out there brings it to the surface and it's there that you'll deal with the troubles. You'll get through this. You will, and you'll have support when you need it.

littlemisspretty said...

Sam,
you know I care for you so much. You are Mike are such good friends to us. I know how you feel. I am going through the same thing right now. It is hard, to make progress and then lose it. But, like you, I find cleaning signifies I big clearing mentally. Whenever I clear something from my emotional or mental self, I find I naturally start cleaning. And I can always tell what area of my life was getting the mental/emotional cleanse. This most resent one, it cleaned my bedroom. This means I cleaned out crap about ME. Personal stuff that was building and building and keeping me back from where I truly want to be.
I wanted to throw my scale against the wall this morning as I hopped on after what I thought was a pretty stellar week and I was up 4 pounds.
Baby steps, you are doing everything perfectly.
And I understand that deep dark place that sometimes we go.
love and hugs
marinda

Razzle Dazzle Berry said...

I hope that together you both can work through your dark place :) Here is hoping that some good old sunshine will help all of us. So get out and take a walk and just be grateful that you are alive and well!

*hugs*

Happy Fun Pants said...

You have some great advice that people have already given you on this topic.

It's advice that I really need to hear too.

It's not easy to remember that "this too shall pass." But it will.

We just have to keep believing it. If anything, this is making you a better wife, mother, sister, and person - because you'll be able to empathize when the people you love go through this too.

*hugs to you*

Heather Summers said...

Hi Sam! I just want to send you a huge hug and let you know I'm here:) I miss you and our chats and wish I could send more positive energy your way! Know you're in my thoughts and that I KNOW you have the strength to turn this around!
Hugs,
Heather

Joy said...

Friend, I am so sad for you!! I totally know what you are going through, just had a bad patch last Oct - Dec. Did not back slide on my weight, well OK a little, I did gain 4 pounds. But I just kept going through the motions. Even if I did not want to. Believe me I cried through a couple exercise sessions with my trainer. I gritted through other workouts. Ate my same ole food, while dying for sweets and goodies. I just hated every thing (even during Christmas!) But just like you, I got a spark of hope and I just kept pushing towards it. Of course I prayed to the Lord for His help and I truly believe he was there for me as He is for you! He is our spark, He will help us. Just keep pushing forward. Hang on to the spark, then you will get more!! I broke through and I know you will to!! Our God restores!!!

You are an amazing person, just as you are! I love you my friend. I know you will get this and make it to your goal forever!!! Just can't give up!! Keep moving forward and stay focused. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

pounce said...

Wow! Really brave to post this Sam.
I came to a realization....this year, I am turning 30...I think this applies to you as well :)
I am really excited to put an exclamation point on my 30th year!!!

It can be a slippery downhill from here, or it can be the turning point!

Wouldn't it be amazing to be stronger, healthier and more powerful in every way in the next 30 year stretch?!

This is the prime of life!
What do you say? Do you need someone to kick you in the butt!? Because, Sam, I will go Gillian Michaels crazy on you if that's what you need! :) I can be in it with you, through the blood, sweat and tears!
Your friend,
Em