Confessions of an addict

Hi, my name is Sam, and I'm a sugar & binge addict. 

This is not an easy thing to admit publicly. Although I doubt that it will come as a surprise to anyone either. With the way my weight/health bounces around like it does, clearly something is amiss. I've not been officially diagnosed, but I'm also fairly certain I have a Binge Eating Disorder (BED). 

So what do I mean by addict? Well, by definition "Addiction is the repeated involvement with a substance or activity, despite the substantial harm it now causes, because that involvement was (and may continue to be) pleasurable and/or valuable."

So let me restate that with my own issues: "Addiction (for Sam) is the repeated involvement with a substance (Sugar) or activity (binging), despite the substantial harm it now causes (weight gain, self loathing, health issues, financial depletion, and increased depression/anxiety), because that involvement was (and may continue to be temporarily) pleasurable and/or valuable (for burying feelings, hiding from responsibilities, and having dis-regard for self and/or others)." 

Whew - that's a heavy run-on sentence!! 

And I must admit that seeing it plainly stated like that is incredibly painful, embarrassing, and also... liberating! Part of the heaviness that comes with an addiction - is hiding from it. And trying to hide it from others (or thinking your hiding it). In fact - that is one of the things that determines if you have BED, if you regularly hide while you eat - because you are ashamed of others seeing how much you are consuming. 

So why am I sharing this now? Because truthfully, this is nothing new. I've spoken about it a lot in the past, especially on this blog - back when I blogged a lot. I have had a sickly relationship with sugar/food since I was a teen. But it was always something I could eventually get under control and could better my health. Through the last 10 years especially - it's clear when I had handle on it, and when it had a handle on me. 

I've shared that In 2017 I lost an incredible 60lbs! We got pregnant, and brought this adorable girl into our lives - for which I will NEVER regret - of course! I've shared all this before. And I've even shared that although I expected to be able to jump right back into my health plan and lose weight, I didn't - instead experiencing trouble with postpartum. But I don't think I've really been clear (or honest - with myself or others) about just how much trouble I've had. 

My depression and anxiety hit higher levels then I've experienced, since high school. In high school, I dealt with my struggles with fighting with my friends, fighting with my family, cutting, and eventually quite a bit of suicidal thoughts. Thankfully I haven't been riddled with those same issues. However, I have thrown myself into food with the same desperation. The last 4-6 months have been the worst with this addiction than I've ever experienced. Binging daily, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I won't go into detail of what that looks like - but I'll say this. I gained 40lbs in 3 months. And I'm now tipping the scale at the highest weight I've ever been. 

So again, why am I sharing this now? Well, I have a couple of reasons. 

One: Because I am tired of pretending that things are okay. They are not okay. I am not okay, although I do have hope that I will be. As a Health Coach, there is a certain level of pressure to be healthy yourself.  And let's be VERY clear here - pressure is NOT bad. Pressure changes coal into diamonds. Pressure keeps us on earth. Pressure is what motivates us and keeps us going! And I think for most Health Coaches, that is a fantastic thing! Because it adds a wonderful level of accountability that most people will thrive from. I've seen in it, in my other Health Coach friend's lives. I admire them. I envy them, and hope that someday it can be that for me too - a simple way to add accountability as I serve and help my clients. But a couple months ago, as I was right in the depths of my addiction and disorder, it got to the point that I was letting it compound the pressure on myself to fit the mold. I started feeling like a hypocrite, and impostor. And I'm not okay with that any more. So I'm saying it out loud, and being honest about not being okay. 

Two: Because you can't heal from what you don't acknowledge. And I want to heal from this, desperately! So much so, that I am willing to put this out there so that I can stop hiding from it. And I'm not saying that others need to do that. But for me, that's what I think about everyday. Is to share it - and let it be what it is - so I can finally just let it go. I want to successfully use this marvelous health program that I coach for - and reach the healthy weight I've sought for so long. And finally be able to move on and focus on something else!  And to do that, I need help. And I can't get help, while also trying to hide who I actually am. So please - help me. Feel free to ask me about my health, ask me about my goals, and you can even ask me about my addiction. I think the more I talk about it, the more I share, the more I'll be able to move past it. 

Three: And lastly, I want to help others with the same struggles. I have a brave friend who has put her story of her battle with depression on Facebook. She has been open and honest about it - all the gory details. And it has helped me, as I know it has helped hundreds (she is well loved) of other people! So while I don't know that I'll help hundreds, I do hope that by putting this out there and saying it out loud, maybe someone else will feel inspired to face their own demons. If you are one such person - please - know that I am here for you! I would LOVE to support you as you find healing and peace. Let's help each other, you are not alone! 

Well - if you're still with me on this post, thanks for reading all the way through. Thanks for your love and support. And stay tuned - there will be more to this story to come!