Believe In Yourself

For yourself!

2012-02-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

On biggest looser this week, besides all the dumb drama, Cassandra had a real moment with Bob. She read him some of her thoughts from a journal in 2008 about herself and her fat. Personally, I could relate to all of it. It's so painful to not fit inside your own skin. To hate your own skin. To detest the person you've become. I don't feel as strongly about it as I used to - I think I've come a long way in accepting myself. I could totally relate to how difficult it was for her though, when he asked what she would say to herself now. After having had a behavior, attitude, and belief for so long - it's hard to open up and say good things to yourself.

Recently Mike, his sister, Miriam, and I were doing a photo shoot. I was chatting about how my brother wants to do a photo shoot with Mike and myself. And I was saying... "Maybe he'll wait until later this year when this and that has changed". Meaning... when I've lost weight. Miriam said, "Maybe you should accept yourself for who you are". I'll be honest, my first instinct was to stick my tongue out at her and tell her she was wrong. But in truth - she is right. Since then I have thought about that conversation a lot! I think a part of the addiction to food - is the addiction to the someday mentality. Hoping and wishing that some day I'll be thin. Someday I'll get to wear what I like. Some day I'll be worth something. Someday I'll get pregnant. Someday I'll like myself - when I fit inside a pretty wrapped up box. Focusing on Someday is just another way for us to give away our power. To keep what we really want, at arms length. But the truth is we probably will never get to that someday if we don't get to some kind of acceptance of who we are now. As I said, I've come a long way in that department, but maybe that's where I'm really stuck. Thanks Miriam for being honest with me!

The other thing I took away from Biggest Loser this week was about getting healthy for yourself - I mean really for yourself. One of the moms (I don't know her name) was talking about how easy it is to focus on everyone else. Much easier then focusing on yourself. And that really hit me. For me this one is two sided. On the one hand, when I think of losing weight, I do think about what that would mean for Mike. I think about what that would mean for future children - and even the capability of getting them here. I focus on that a lot - especially the "I have to do this or I'll never get pregnant" part. And maybe there is truth to that - I don't know. But the question is more about what is that doing to my own self esteem. How is that really helping any of us, for me to be putting all the pressure on myself to "make" a baby, and to "make" Mike happy (especially when I think he is probably already happy with me). And at the same time putting pressure on them - and not taking any of the responsibility for the fact that maybe I just need to get healthy for me. I mean to be real - I don't want diabetes. I don't want heart disease. I want to live! I want to be a mom and to walk by Mike's side for a very long time! Taking time out for yourself is not selfish, but sometimes it feels that way. That's the other side of this - reconciling doing something good for yourself vs. being selfish.

I realized last night that if this is ever going to happen - I mean for real, complete change of life and heart, happen - I'm going to have to take everyone else out of the equation. I have to choose to get healthy for myself. For my very own benefit, and decide that it is not selfish. Health is a gift I can give myself. And the great part about it is that when I finally accept that gift - along with the cherishing of self - an automatic benefit would be to Mike and our future family. They would get to enjoy it along with me no matter what! But if I keep pinning it on them, giving away my power, and my accountability - then none of us will ever get there.

Sam

What do you get out of it?

2012-02-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

I'm sure we've all heard that staying fat has a payoff. I've been thinking about this over the last few weeks and trying to determine what my payoff is. I mean if it wasn't paying off in some way - then I wouldn't continue to gain weight that I had just lost. I would just be able to lose weight and keep it off? Sounds great, right? While I don't really know if it's the magic pill - if such a Unicorn even exists, I still think it could be very helpful to understand this.

I have a few thoughts, but I wanted to know what you think? If you are overweight, what payoff are you getting by not letting go?

Sam

The Blue Apple

2012-02-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

Have you seen these in your local grocery store?

If not, look for them! I am guilty of having the best of intentions and plans when I go shopping and buy LOTS of fruits and veggies. But then inevitably the next week, I'm throwing out at least one bag full of bad produce. :( Bad on me, I know!

So a couple of weeks ago I was at the store and saw these, and thought - what the heck, I'll give it a try. Honestly, I was a bit skeptical, but I decided it couldn't hurt. So today I got up early and went to the store - and I forgot to check my fridge to see what was still good of the produce that we hadn't eaten from last week. I had bought a green, yellow, and red pepper last week, carrots, I had some romaine lettuce from two weeks ago (when I bought the blue apples), and some spinach that I was sure had all gone bad. But today at the store I thought I would just buy some other things and hopefully those would all be okay - except the spinach, I really had no hope for that.

I came home and went through cleaning out the fridge - and I'm not joking - all of my fruits and veggies from last week looked like they had been bought yesterday!!! Even the spinach!! I am so excited that I didn't have to throw any of it out! This was totally worth the money, you've got to try it! Here is there website to learn more, and find out how it works. http://www.thebluapple.com/how-it-works

They didn't ask me to write this review - although I would turn down free apples! :) I just wanted to share this awesome tool for others who are just doing their best to eat their fruits and veggies! Try it!

Emotional Eating

2012-01-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a couple of pieces of chocolate cake."

~ Anonymous

I am reading Shrink Yourself. This is not a diet - it's about learning how to deal with why you overeat. I am an emotional overeat - I binge to avoid my feelings. I binge to avoid life. I binge to avoid people. I binge to avoid to mask feelings of inadequacy, fear of the future, and to cover up feelings of failure? Make sense? If not - then you are probably not an emotional eater. The idea of eating to numb yourself probably seems ludicrous. To those who know what I am talking about - you should check out this book! I bought mine on E-bay for like $3.

I signed up for WW last week. I am excited and frustrated about this. I had a good friend get honest with me and told me to stop looking for "what works", because I already know what works. And she was right - I do. The other reality I finally faced - I can't do this alone. I've tried for the last year - and I've floundered for the last year. So I signed up. I'm a bit apprehensive about going to my regular meeting that I used to go to. I think my old leader probably ~~hates~~ is exasperated with me. I had lost 45lbs the last time I saw her. And I just stopped going. I know that's silly - she probably doesn't even care. But... I'm still nervous. I'll let you know how that goes. :) I'm frustrated to start again, because... I'm starting again. At the beginning - and that kind of sucks. Oh well... it is what it is, and I've done what I've done. Onward!

I did okay for breakfast and lunch every day this week - but I have really struggled at night! That is when all my emotional eating happens and even though I really want to eat healthy I can't seem to conquer these demons. I remembered this book and thought maybe it's time to revisit it for some assistance in dealing with my emotional eating.

This isn't going to go away over night. But it feels good to be doing something about it. It's a start. :D

Yes. I. Do!!!

2012-01-24T21:15:00.004-07:00

"On the surface it may seem like the

hard part is eating less and moving

more but in reality the hard part is

messing up but not stopping."

~ Keelie at REAL Fat

I just loved this so much! Head over to Keelie's blog and read this post. You won't regret it. Seriously, I feel like I have been stuck in mud up to my thighs for the past two years. It's just nuts. You know what? I am pretty good at dieting. And actually, I am pretty good at moving more and exercising regularly. And I used to think I was good at messing up and not stopping - but truly I think that is my down fall. Well, it's not even the messing up part. I can do that and get back up. But for no reason that I can figure out I just stop. I stop caring and I stop trying and I start eating more and moving less. I just stop.

The truth is that somewhere along the way - I did give up. I was right there - you know - an arms length away from everything I wanted. Weight wise, financially, etc. I was there. And for some crazy reason, I opened my hand and let go. And lost it all. And no matter how hard I have clamored and clawed to get it back - I just have not been able to free myself.

And now I just stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if I have it in me to get it back? I've had some really deep conversations with Mike this week. And with God. It's gotten very real around here, and really painful. And it's time. It's time for me to seriously take my life in hand and make what I want out of it. It's time for the excuses to end. It's time to lose the weight and be done with it. It's time to get pregnant and move on to the next chapter in our lives. It's time. No more waiting.

Staring in the mirror I wonder if I have it in me...
Hell. Yes. I. Do!!!!

Sam

A Wrinkle In Time

2012-01-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

So we've decided for Christmas we are going to get books for all the neices and newphews each year. They get sooo many toys, I wanted to do something different. And reading has always been a passion of mine! I'm thrilled that they all seem to love it too! I found this awesome used book store where I could buy paperback books in fairly great condition for $1.50. So instead of buying one - maybe two books new - I bought a stack of used books! Very fun! Quite a few were favorites from my childhood - and I hope they love them as much as I did.

One of the books I bought was A Wrinkle In Time. To be honest, I remembered that I loved the book - but couldn't really remember the story. I was worried it would be over their heads (this was for an 11 year old and a 7 year old) so I kept that one. I figured I would read it - and probably give it to them next year. Oddly enough, I'm so glad I did!

I finished it last night and it really is a fun book. But even more interesting was the parallel to the Gospel that I probably did not pickup on as a child. For those that have never read it - or like me it's been years - here is the recap:

You have Meg, a homely school aged girl (I imagine probably 14 or 15 or so), her younger brother Charles Wallace, and a friend they meet - Calvin a 17 year boy. They go on a fantastic journey to other worlds to save Meg's father who disappeared. On their journey they meet IT, and evil force that is trying to take over the universe and has captured her father. In Cazamotz where they find him, everyone is the same. Everyone does the same thing, thinks the same thing, and lives the same. There are no consequences, because there are no decision. There is no sadness - but there is also no joy. IT is a large brain that basically sucks a person into it's self so that IT thinks for you. And of course, in the end the thing that conquers is Love. That is my very brief summary. For one more in depth, click here.

The thing that struck me - was how alike the IT was to Satan. How he wants to take away all of our power of decision. He wants to take away all consequences. He wants to take away all of our differences. As I read this, I realized that in a lot of ways, I've bought into this plan. I thought about all those years I have been trying to be like everyone else. All the times I've looked at other people's life, family, money, body - and thought why can't I be like that? And many times, tried to look like I am that - when really I am something completely different - all in the name of fitting in. Why have I tried to hide who I am, to please others? Because if you think about it - that's falling right in to the plan of IT. Truth be told, I like the power of decision that a loving God gave me. I like the things that make me different from others.

I may not appreciate all the things about myself that I could yet. But I'm definitely on the path to getting there. And for today at least I can appreciate the fact that I am different then others - and that it's okay! I don't have to be like anyone else - I get to just be me.

Accountability 2, Report 3

2012-01-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday certainly did not turn out the way I planned. I was on track, until around 12pm I got a call about a family emergency. From there, my eating went down hill - but so what. We spent the afternoon and evening at the hospital with our loved ones. It seems - for now- that things are looking okay. We just kind of have to wait and see now. From here we are hoping it is mostly just about a recovery. Mike and I will be at the hospital all day today, so I don't really know what my plans look like. I'm just going to make the best choices I can, and more importantly - be there for my family. Any prayers on our behalf would be appreciated. Thanks!

Sam

Report 2

2012-01-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know these will get boring, so I will post other stuff too... don't worry.... if there is anyone out there reading this. :) I just need this right now. Okay, on to today...

Spiritual:

Read BOM for 15 minutes

Pray morning and night

Go to the temple

Activity:

Go to work in the office today

Workout my upper body and core for 20 min

Play games tonight with another couple

Eating:

Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 egg white, 1 piece of toast, 1 tsp butter, 2 slices of bacon (6.5 points)

Snack: 3 cups fresh popcorn (2 points)

Lunch: I don't know - they are providing it at work. I'll make the best decision I can.

Snack: 1 orange, 1 oz pistatcios (3? points)

Dinner: Chicken Chili Popovers, steamed broccoli- not sure on the points yet.

Dessert: 1/2 cup caramel corn (5 points)

64 ounces of water

Accountability 1

2012-01-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

Well today actually went really well! It's amazing what a difference it made, knowing I would have to publicly say whether I kept my word or not. While I didn't do perfect - it was a vast improvement!

Spiritually:

Read from the Book of Mormon with Mike before work. DONE

Pray with Mike before work. DONE

Read from the Book of Mormon by myself for 15 minutes, pondering, and praying about what I read. DONE

Morning and night prayer DONE

Activity/Time Wise:

Work out for 20 minutes doing upper and lower body pilates for my breaks today. 1/2 DONE - I was only able to sneak in one 10 min video.

Go to GNO tonight with the girls from the ward (instead of canceling like I usually do)

Stay actively engaged all day at work. DONE and so fun!!!

Take Willow to get her nails done - and if there is time to play at the park. :( I totally slacked here. I did play with her in the back yard, but I didn't get her nails done.

Food (29 points):

Breakfast: 1 serving greek vanilla yogurt, 1 orange (5 points)Yes!

Snack: Celery and 1 tbs of peanut butter (2 points) Yes!

Lunch: 1/2 everything bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, cucumber slices, 1 banana (4.5 points) Yes! (Except the cucumber slices, because it turns out my cucumber was bad)

Snack: String cheese, 1 small apple (3 points) Yes!

Dinner: Cobb Salad (lettuce, ~~cucumber~~, ~~onion~~, 2 slices of bacon, pinch of Parmesan cheese, 1/2 hard boiled egg, dressing) (8 points) Yes! (Except no onion or cucumber, but I did add tomatoes and 1/3 avocado. I also had 4 slices of bacon. But this is a big improvement - usually I eat most of the package!)

GNO: Snacks. I will try to stick to any veggies or fruits that are available. I will allow myself to pick two treats, and only have 3 bites of each - using some of my weekly points. There weren't any veggies - but I did good anyway. I had a small taste of each of the items, and left off the ones that looked good - but that I wasn't really wanting. I feel good about my choices. I would say I had about 15 points worth.

Drink at least 64 ounces of water Done!

End total, I used all my 29 points, and 11.5 of my weekly points. And I am calling the day a success. Good night!

Report 1

2012-01-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling here. I have been for a while. I do good for a day or so, and then crash and burn. Or for a couple hours, and then crash and burn. Something sets me off emotionally during the day - and then I eat all night. But it's not just about the food either. I have not been active. I have not been doing much with my evenings. I have not spent my time wisely, and I can feel the winter blues creeping in because of it. Well... all that changes - Right. Now.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this sad little blog, but I'm going to do this anyway. I am going to hold myself accountable to... myself. I am going to use this blog to hold me accountable. Each morning I will post what my detailed plans are for the day. Meaning, exactly what I plan to do spiritually, physically, foodily (yeah, I made that one up), and time wise. Then at night, I will post again and be accountable for the choices I made through out the day. I will hold myself accountable for why I made the choices I did - and try to understand what happened if I fell off the wagon.

So here goes, here is today's plan:

Spiritually:

Read from the Book of Mormon with Mike before work.

Pray with Mike before work.

Read from the Book of Mormon by myself for 15 minutes, pondering, and praying about what I read.

Morning and night prayer

Activity/Time Wise:

Work out for 20 minutes doing upper and lower body pilates for my breaks today.

Go to GNO tonight with the girls from the ward (instead of canceling like I usually do)

Stay actively engaged all day at work.

Take Willow to get her nails done - and if there is time to play at the park.

Food (29 points):

Breakfast: 1 serving greek vanilla yogurt, 1 orange (5 points)

Snack: Celery and 1 tbs of peanut butter (2 points)

Lunch: 1/2 everything bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, cucumber slices, 1 banana (4.5 points)

Snack: String cheese, 1 small apple (3 points)

Dinner: Cobb Salad (lettuce, cucumber, onion, 1 slice of bacon, pinch of Parmesan cheese, 1/2 hard boiled egg, dressing) (about 8 points)

GNO: Snacks. I will try to stick to any veggies or fruits that are available. I will allow myself to pick two treats, and only have 3 bites of each - using some of my weekly points.

Drink at least 64 ounces of water

Good Riddance 2011, Hello 2012!!

2012-01-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

So 2011 kind of sucked! I dealt with that awful vertigo, got sick several times, we both were dealing with depression, we didn't do a whole lot of activity, etc. Also, I haven't really mentioned this, but Mike's mom has been really sick for the last couple of years, and she passed away in August. As you can imagine, that was a really hard experience for us, and we have been just trying to deal. It was just a really tough year for both of us and I don't think either of us were sorry to see it go!

But on the other hand, we are very excited that 2012 is here! Already we have begun working on our goals. Mike is in the full swing of his 1/2 marathon training. He did 5 miles on Saturday and I am SO proud of him! He runs the Moab 1/2 in March and is going to do awesome! I've had to pull back from running because of my shin splints. From all the research I've done and what I learned as a Massage Therapist - this is one of those things that you don't want to push through because you will just do more damage. But... I think they are finally doing better. I walked on Sat and didn't have any pain in my shins. So I am thinking that I will start the 5k training next week. Yay!!

My friend Russ and I are having a contest to see who can lose 10% of our weight first. I need to lose 23.6 pounds. I had a really rough time getting started last week, so I only lost .6 in my first week. But I'm off to a good start this week - so I think my loss will be much better!

So I am back on WW again. I'm not paying to go to the meetings, I'm just doing it on my own - not in the budget, ya know? I have to kind of chuckle at myself. Willow loves to play fetch!! And when she brings you her toy, she always drops it on the floor. But if I'm sitting on the couch, I want her to put it on the couch. So I will tell her that. She will put it on the very edge, and it falls off! Then one time she will bring it up and give it to me, and I throw it. You'd think she would learn that for me to throw it, she needs to put it on the couch right? Nope, the next time she brings it, she puts it on the edge again - and it just falls off. I am just like Willow! You'd think I would just learn after so many "beginnings". I always want to try new things, but always come back to what works. And for me, what works is WW. It seems to give me that balance between not depriving myself, and yet staying on a plan. So here I am again. My goal this time is to not get distracted and try something new. I'm just going to plug along and stick to it. And only worry about today - not tomorrow or the next day. Because ultimately, I can't do anything about those days - except for maybe be prepared for them. But I can't make any decisions for them, until they are here. So I will just keep focusing on today.

How are your 2012 goals going?

Sam

Shin Splints Suck

2011-12-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

As I had mentioned, I have been running again. I ran a 10k in the beginning of Dec, which I still need to blog about. Truth be told, I wasn't ready! I tried to be, but due to getting sick twice and hurting my back for about 2 weeks, I just wasn't ready. And ever since then, every time I run, I get shin splints. Grrrrr! I am supposed to run a 1/2 marathon in April. How can I do that if I can't train??? I have not run for about 2 weeks. I'm hoping to be able to start again in Jan. I've been Icing, wearing compression sleeves, but on a cream that is supposed to help them heal. Any other suggestions? I don't want to back out of this coming race, but... I don't know if I can do it and not really damage my legs. I'm considering waiting for a different race, but I need to talk with my cousin about it. In the mean time, I'm putting my new work out videos to good use and trying to lose some weight.

Are there any runners out there with suggestions?

Give a little more...

2011-12-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that was so real! I have always been a vivid dreamer. A lot of times I'll wake up and tell Mike the crazy dreams I had, and then any question about my sanity, well... that clinches it! :) But this dream...

Honestly I don't remember the details 100%. I know I was sick, and I got shot. But I was dying - and the Dr told me I had about a week. I remember telling each of my family members. I remember telling Mike and that awful pit in my stomach realizing that I would never get to have his babies. But that I sincerely wanted him to remarry and find joy. It was one of those dreams that you wake up from, and you realize - it was a dream! And you start crying, because you are so happy it was a dream! Well... like I said... I am a bit crazy! ;)

But in actuality, there is nothing like a dream like this to pull in your perspective and help you realize, wow, it's time to make some changes. Not the kind of changes I spoke about in my last post. But things like - stop waiting until you are "healthy" to live and enjoy life! Stop being so selfish with time and money - because your going to give it all up in the end anyway! We are only given a few short years on this life, and I feel like I have wasted so many of those watching TV, playing on the computer, eating, sleeping, and hiding. I want to connect more. I want to serve more. I want to get to the end of my life - hopefully many many years from now - and look back and not have just a ton of regrets. With that said, I'm going to use my day off, and go visit some family.

This time of year always seems to bring us a little closer. I hope for you and myself, that we will all take care to not let that end when December does. But to carry that same spirit about us through out the year. To give a little more, and take a little less. Merry Christmas to you, I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

Decisions....

2011-12-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

I find myself sitting in a similar chair as I was at the end of 2009. 2009 was kind of a crappy year - and truth be told, so was 2011. Although it has ended on a high note, with some goals coming to fruition - so I feel good about that! In 2010 I made some great strides in my life, and actually made some changes. Okay - the changes didn't stick 100%, but still, there was progress. Here I am now, facing lots of the same decisions, with lots of the same emotions, and once again, just craving change. Why do we do that? Why do we allow ourselves to get stuck in the same cycle over and over again. Oh well - such is life I suppose. I guess the real question on my mind now, is what's next? What do I do differently? Do I move forward - and if so - how? (Duh - of course I move forward! :)

I have a new job - and I LOVE it! I am so glad that I left Mozy and am with Stevens Henager now. Here is some free advise - NEVER sacrifice happiness and something you love - for more money! I know that kind of seems obvious, but when you are struggling, it's not always an easy decision. Anyway, I love that I am able to work from home, and really feel like it does and is going to open up a lot of opportunities for us and myself. (Like being able to have a baby with out the panic of trying to figure out how to pay for daycare)

So now there are decisions to be made about debt, weight loss, babies, etc. But not necessarily in that order. :D

Mike and I have been having the discussion that we need to choose a time frame of when we will start working on the baby thing. It will probably take working with a fertiltiy specialist and what not. And as much as we would like to be in a certain position financially and physcially, it's never going to be picture perfect. Last summer my Dr did tell us to wait and to work on getting some weight off so we will not have to be dealing with gestational diabetes. I have lost some weight, but am not quite where I will need to be. So... with that in mind we are considering our options, and my guess is it will be some time in 2012 that we start with the testing and such.

Mike and I have some lofty financial goals this year. We want to be free of the burdens from bad choices in the past. This is going to take a lot of time, dedication, dare I say - patience, and hard work. But I truly believe we can put a dent in these burdens and finally release ourselves from the chains of our past. We have a way to do it - now comes the easy part - doing it! hahahahaha But we do have an awesome business opportunity with Mike's dad, and we are going to take it! More on that later.

And lastly, weight loss. **Sigh**

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life when I don't have to spend time, energy, money, emotions, and myself on trying to lose weight. When I will no longer be a "new diet" junky. When I can have a regular relationship with food. When food can simply be nutrition for my body. And I can simply be Sam.

I have met a lot of amazing people over the last two years. Some have been very successful at losing weight and keeping it off. I want to ask them how they did it - not the diet and exercise part, but how did they just keep going. And I wonder if they are stronger then me? Have more will power? Are just freaking rock stars. And I wonder, will I ever get to be on that side of it? I know this is not super upbeat and chipper - like I usually try to be. But... I'm just so stinking sick of being here. I'm almost pissed about it. No... wait... I am pissed about it! And there is only one person to blame. But I know that's not going to do me any good either. So there is only one person that can change me, and that's me. What's that saying, if you want change - then change? Here goes!

Actually, it's really not all that bad as I'm making it seem. Haha. I am actually down about 15lbs from my highest this year. I'm running regularly again. I ran a 10k in Moab at the begining of Dec and finished it. And my eating hasn't been completely rotten. I just haven't had the best couple of days eating wise, and I'm wallowing. Time to stop wallowing!

Last night I watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead". This is a documentary on a guy (2 actually) that go on a Fruit/Veggie Juice fast for 60 days. They both lost a ton of weight and felt great! No, I am not planning to do the same thing. But... I was thinking of giving the fast thing a try for maybe 10 days. Something to jump start my new year and my weight loss. One of the bloggers I follow, Becky, is doing this for a couple of days. (Check her site out, lots of great pictures!) So I will be very interested in seeing how it goes for her. If I like it, then I could see doing it for a little while longer. Both Mike and I are wanting to drop some weight before spring for our 1/2 marathons, so maybe this could be very helpful. Who knows? Anyone ever tried it? How was it? How did you feel? Was it yummy? Or gross? Were you starving?

Anyway... that's an update of where I am at in life. I'm really excited for 2012. I think it's going to be a monumental year. We are going to be rid of some heavy debt, hopefully have a busy (and productful) business, lose weight, enjoy some challenging races, hike like maniacs, and with any luck, maybe be pregnant by the end?

With all this thought on change, I've decided to give blogging a real try again. I think it was a big part of why I was so successful in 2010, and I want to be successful in 2012. Plus this will be a big year for us with all this going on - and I want to have some kind of journal about it all. I don't know that I have any readers left. But hopeful you/they will come back! If you are still here, thanks! Talk to you again soon!

Running 1 Mile...

2011-11-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hard Work! Determination! Hard Work! Determination!

I did it!

Blogging helps me be a better runner!

2011-11-05T23:50:00.001-06:00

I have started training for a 1/2 marathon in April. We have a 10k coming up at the beginning of Dec as well. Today we went running at the local in door track, which I do not love so much. I love being out doors! Anyway, as I was running, I started thinking about my blog. In 2010 when I first really learned how to be a runner, and fell in love with it, I realized it was because of blogging. In 2010 my time spent running, was my time spent with me. It was my time to think, let things go that were bugging me, to pray, and to write blog posts in my head. All this took the focus off my hurting feet, my aching back, my burning lungs, and my thumping heart. As time went on, those painful things all kind of stopped happening - and running was invigorating not only mentally - but physically as well. And as I focused inward, I was able to just run (be it slowly, but what ever). As I was jogging today, I realized that is what has been missing from my jogs. Now granted, I've only been training consistently for one week, and on and off again over the last month or so. But still, I think if I start do some blogging again, it will help me continue to be consistent and to improve.

I've tinkered with Intuitive Eating for about a year now. And I have learned a lot! I don't think I'll ever be the same when it comes to food - in a good way. However, I don't want to tinker any more. If I am going to be able to be a mom some day, then I need to stop tinkering about and get to work. I always have this debate in my head - Diet? Or Intuitive Eating? I think I've come to a solution. Both.

I've set some goals for myself that I feel really good and excited about!

1. Run 10k on Dec 3rd.

2. Run 1/2 Marathon on April 14th.

3. Lose 40lbs by April 14th.

It's been a while since I've really allowed myself or even wanted to set a number goal. But it feels right and like it's the right time. Last year I bought a diabetic management book by Bob Greene. I thought it would probably be the best way to manage my Insulin Resistance - and I had also been told it can help a bit with PCOS. This last Monday I started it - basically I am on a 1700 calorie diet with 150ish grams of carbs allowed. I have done so many diets over the years - but funny enough I have never actually just counted calories. So that has taken some adjustment. For exercise I am simply training for my races. I am using Hal Higdon's training plans. 4 weeks of the 5k, then the 10k, then the 1/2 marathon. It will take me right up to my race in April. And then I'm also meeting with (or will be) some women from my church at 6am three times a week to work out.

I was a little worried about fitting Intuitive Eating in - but it has been easy. Yes, I'm counting calories, but I'm also listening to my body. And if I don't need all the food - I don't eat it. Or if I"m hungry still, I find something that will be filling, and healthy. On Friday night we went out for Indian food (my FAVORITE!!!!). I didn't overeat though, and I felt proud of myself. We also stopped at a little bakery we've been wanting to try and I chose a fruit tart. It wasn't that good, and after a little while, I was still craving something sweet. So I had a couple of small scoops of ice cream with some gummy bears from Halloween. Seriously, it was probably only 1/4 cup. After I ate it - I started feeling guilty and talking to myself about starting again tomorrow and yada yada yada. That diet talk was so ingrained, it just came out of me with out even thinking about it. But I stopped myself. I realized, I hadn't done anything wrong. I had a respectable and healthy breakfast and lunch. I did awesome all week, and I had knowingly chosen to let myself have a yummy dinner and treat. And I hadn't gone overboard! I stopped the negative talk and that felt great too! They can coincide!

I am in this to be true to myself
I am in this to be healthy

I am in this to be a better runner

I am in this to allow Mike and I the opportunity to someday be parents
I am in this to lose weight

I am in this!

Seriously, check this out!

2011-11-03T20:37:00.000-06:00

My brother went to Mexico a few weeks ago, and he took this video... pretty amazing!

If you want to share it, here is the link: http://youtu.be/vakhLBiQKkU

Strip Me

2011-08-13T22:57:00.001-06:00

My title is so named because I was listening to this song by Natasha Bedingfield when I started writing this post and it kind of fit. Although, the song and my post are not exactly about the same topic, maybe they will be eventually. Let me explain.

This song is about power. About a woman knowing her power and calling on it. And truthfully, I'm just realizing that I have given my power away. But listening to this song gives me hope that someday I'll get there. She's saying that even if you stripped her down, you couldn't take her voice. My post is more about the fact that I am starting to strip down layers of... protection that I have built up. I am stripping myself down in a lot of ways - I feel very exposed.

Abstinence for me right now means not binging, And I have been abstinent 13 days.

I have been really emotional lately. Today was kind of an up-down-up-down-up day. As I thought about this, and the last week, I realized what might be going on. For the last 12 years or so I have used food (in the form of a binge) to cope with... everything. Sure, I've had moments of sanity. But a good majority of that time I have been hiding. I have buried myself in food (and books, TV, and spending money). I haven't faced my life honestly, or those around me really. It has been my way to
get by. To hide from my feelings most especially. So... this last two weeks I've taken that away. And my feelings are raw and exposed. And honestly I haven't managed them in the best way. I think the Lord knew I just needed some time letting go of the binge (which is far from complete - but it's a start), and that I wasn't ready to face this. But tonight it was put in front of me that just not binging isn't enough. I also get to start learning how to manage these feelings so they don't come out exploding on anyone standing within 20 feet!

Like I said, I am stripping myself down. It hurts and it feels right. It's difficult to take a hard long look at yourself and to learn a new way to live. But I just know that the outcome will be well worth the effort!

Mish-Mash of Happenings

2011-08-06T09:35:00.000-06:00

In this post you'll read about Over-eaters Anonymous, Abstinence for me, Wendy's Chicken Nuggets and Fries, a Car Accident, and lastly my dinner at an African restaurant.

This has been a good and wild week!

Overeaters Anonomouyos

I should probably learn how to spell "anonomoyous" as I spell it wrong EVERY time and have to spell check it!( I left my original spelling for you to see what I mean) Ha! Anyway... I attend a small group that has only been going for about a year or so. We usually have about 6 or7 people and a big night is 7 or 9 people. Well... this Thursday, there were 16 people!!! It was huge!!! So exciting! It's amazing the energy that comes from having that many people there having the same struggles and working the same steps.

Abstinence

If you read my last post, then you already read about my answered prayers. What I didn't really tell you, is that along with those answered prayers came abstinence. I have been abstinent for 5 days. Abstinent right now is simply not binging. I am going to define it a little more then that, but want to do that with my Sponsor. I have a person in mind for my sponsor, but haven't made it official yet. The last time I did this a couple of months ago, I was abstinent for about 9 days I think. And claimed I was on Step 3 or 4. But the thing about it was, I had to claw my way through each of those 9 days to not binge. It was hard.

The difference this week is I used a workbook that goes along with the 12 steps. I did a lot of journaling for the first step. And through that journaling, my eyes were thrust open regarding some issues I've been giving a blind eye to. Step one states that "We admitted we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable". This was always a hard one for me to swallow or to own. It felt negative and defeating to me. But this week through my journal and answering the questions in the work book, it became very apparent to me that it is in fact truth. My life has become unmanageable. Sure there are parts I do okay with. But for the most part, it's spinning wildly! And the fact that I am powerless over my food - well... the fact that I have lost and gained 20-40lbs about 7 or 8 times in the last 7 years, I think speaks loudly enough for that.

I was answering the question "Am I in touch with my feelings or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness?". And as I wrote that I am not in touch with my feelings (and often use fake cheerfulness to hide that). And that I use to need a trigger such as anger or fear to trigger a binge, but that I no longer do. I just binge because that's what I do. And if I do in fact have an emotional trigger - all the better because now it's justified. That is the moment when I realized that I truly have given my power over to food. And there was something truly freeing about this. It wasn't as if the hope had been sucked out of me as I expected it would be. To the opposite, I felt like there was this weight lifted off my shoulders and I was finally free. The truth shall set you free!

This week, it was probably about Wed or Thurs before I thought to myself - "Hey self, we haven't been binging! Yay!", after which followed a prayer of gratitude. Because really, this didn't come from me or self. It came from God. I am going to put together an abstinent vase today. I was reading one of my previous posts about meditation being like a book, and each time you do, it's like turning a page. Doesn't feel like much, but when you see those pages start adding up - it shows how far you've come. I was thinking that I might make a visual aid of my abstinence, so that even though one day may not feel like much, I'll be able to see how far I am coming. I'll post pictures when it's done.

Wendy's Chicken Nuggets and Fries

We went to visit some family this week, and they had just had Wendy's for lunch. Mike stole a couple fries and I grabbed one from him. It was good, and I wanted another. After we left I suggested that we stop by Wendy's to get some Spicy Nuggets (which I LOVE) and a fry. So we stopped and each got a Spicy Nugget and a large fry to share. I didn't feel guilty about this. I was hungry. And I didn't feel like there was so much food that it would turn into a binge. I slowly enjoyed my tasty nuggets, and had my share of the fries. Yum! But as we drove, it sat in my belly and I noticed something. Fried foods do not make me feel good. It wasn't painful necessarily, but I could tell that it wasn't really giving me any energy, I could feel it just sitting in my stomach like a rock, and I was just uncomfortable. It was just one of those moments where I could be honest with myself that the choice I had made was not a good one. Not because of guilt but because it didn't make me feel good. And the next time I'm craving nuggets, I hope to remember this lesson and that I will choose something that will not only taste good, but will give me energy and help me feel good!

Car Accident

Last night I was in a car accident coming home from work on the freeway. It wasn't terrible, and no one was hurt thank goodness! It was right before some off ramps, and some guy was not paying attention and all of the sudden slammed on his brakes. The guy behind him swerved and missed him, but the girl behind him hit him, and I hit her. We weren't going very fast, so luckily the damage was really minimal. My car and the girl's car (she was 16 and freaking out - I felt bad for her!) only really had scratches. The first guy his bumper was fallen slightly and will need some work. Anyway, so we called the cops, they came, we got off the freeway, filled out the paperwork, and then waited for what seemed like forever. Finally he came and gave us the other drivers info, our tickets and we were able to leave. As I said, no one was hurt. But it's so crazy the adrenaline that rushes through you. For the first 10 min after it happened I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking. And then I was totally fine, laughing about it even! It wasn't until he gave me my ticket and I drove away that I started crying - not because I was hurt - but because we would have to pay a ticket. And that our insurance could go up. We just can't afford those right now. Luckily Mike has been working some overtime but I HATE HATE HATE that his hard work will have to pay for this, instead of go on debt. I don't feel like I wasn't paying attention, it just happened, but it still sucks. Oh well... it could have been SOOOO much worse! I'm just so grateful that no one was hurt and that the damage really was minimal.

African Restaurant

So my friend introduced us to this African restaurant and we love it! The food is sooo tasty! I made a picture of it to show you what it looks like and to tell what it comes with. You have this spongy bread that you rip into pieces and sop up the different foods and eat it with your hands. So good! If you're in the Salt Lake valley, you should give it a try!This picture is of their Ultimate Combo for Two.

What a beautiful week!

2011-08-04T21:43:00.000-06:00

I have to say, it really has been a great week (with some clouds, and thunder storms - both in the literal and emotional sense, but that's for another post)!! Just having my blog back, even though I've only posted once, has been great! I can't believe how much I missed it.

Also, a week or so ago I had a pretty lengthy discussion with God and got some answers. I am approaching my relationship with Christ in a new way and I love it! I feel like I am in a better space about who God is, what He expects of me, and what I need to do. Because of this communication, I have several things I have felt prompted to do.

One was to cancel Netflix. That was hard! We just have been watching too much TV, which leads to much laziness and eating! So we did it! This means the only thing we really have access to are our movies, and the occasional show on Hulu. I feel really good about this move!

Another one was to stop hiding socially, and to have some conversations I've been avoiding. I have started working on the not hiding, and had the conversations I was avoiding. Let me just say, I have wonderful people in my life and I love them!

The last one is to get a blessing from Mike, which will be done this Sunday.

Overall, I'm feeling very good about all this. I feel like I have been asked to do something, and finally held up my end of the bargain. God always does his part, I'm the one that falls short. But I guess that is where that new perspective I mentioned comes in.

I used to always pray with guilt. Do you know what I mean? Like everything I had done was bad and wrong, and that made me a bad and wrong person. If you asked me to describe God to you, I would have said he was a loving, kind, and forgiving Father that want us to be happy (and much more of course). But in my prayers, I wasn't really acting like that was my belief. The way I would pray and think, it was if he was a cruel man that withholds from me when I am "evil" and that he is berating me for not being perfect - even though He wasn't. I was the one holding onto that perception. And because of that, two way communication was limited. Have you ever tried to have a relationship with some that you feel like doesn't "get you"? Well that's exactly what was happening! I wasn't really getting Him.

I had some ah-ha moments recently and as such, have tried to change the way I pray. To pray in a loving manner not only to God, but also myself. To not let my own self disappointments and frustrations come out in my prayer, and not to mistake those feelings as if they are God's feelings. I have found that by doing this, I am much more open to receiving the Spirit, and to really hearing what Heavenly Father is trying to say to me and to teach me about myself and Christ.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense, I'm kind of tired.

Anyway... it's been beautiful! And because of this shift, it has been a very different week for me. As has this post. I was planning to post about Over-eaters Anonymous and my experience with Wendy's spicy chicken nuggets today. But... my fingers took me in a different direction. Guess you'll have to come back tomorrow night for those stories!!

Night!

Breaks over... back to work!

2011-07-30T22:40:00.001-06:00

I have missed this. I have missed you! I wish you were here so I could give you a big hug! I've also missed writing and sharing my thoughts. It has been a good break, but it's time to get back to work.

If you are still around, leave me a comment and tell me what you're up to. I missed you!

As for me? Well, I'm still working at the same place - but I feel a lot more confident in my performance. I am still in Young Womans, and LOVING it! We went to girls camp and it was so fun! My raspberries are in full bloom and growing like crazy! My fall bushes are as tall as me! I am still overweight - yes I gained all my weight back. More on that in a minute.

Some new things, I'm bleaching my teeth - and it's working! I recently started walking again with some friends, and am really enjoying that and hoping to walk with my cousin in a 5k she is planning in September to support research for Hydrocephalus. If you are interested in getting involved, they are looking for donations, volunteers, and of course - walkers!

I have been diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Insulin Resistance, and am taking Metformin. It seems to be helping my blood sugar from dropping out on me. My doctor has advised us to hold off on getting pregnant for a little while until I lose some weight and get my numbers under control. This is really hard, and not easy for us. I pray we can just continue being patient and focusing on what needs to be done to eventually allow us to grow this little family.

As I had mentioned, I have gained all my weight back. Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into another post bemoaning the past and whining about my weight gain. I'm over it. The reason I mention it is because it has opened my eyes to the fact that there are underlying issues here. Big issues. And the truth is that until I deal with those, I will be overweight. I may be able to force myself to follow a diet and exercise for a period of time. I may even be able to delude myself into thinking that by following a diet and exercising a ton I'm "in control" and "healthy". But... it's not true (for me). And the longer I try and force myself to "lose weight" with only diet and exercise, the more miserable I will be.

So where does that leave me?

With diet and exercise of course! :) Well... not a diet really. I am still kind of torn between Intuitive Eating and having guidelines. I don't have it all figured out yet. But I know that I need both. I need to be free to be myself and to trust my body. And I need guidelines because I am an addict. I have a disease. And it won't go away by just hoping that it will. This may not sound very hopeful, but honestly, I have more hope then I have had in a long time. Because for the first time in a long time, I'm being honest with myself. Really honest. Painfully honest.

Hi, my name is Sam and I am a compulsive over-eater.

I am attending Over-eaters Anonymous and have just begun working the 12 steps. This will include a lot of soul searching, journal writing, prayer, meditation, and self reflection. It also includes service to others, learning to let go of my selfish desires, and finding out what God wants of me. Within the next two weeks I'm hoping to have found a sponsor as well. Someone who will work with me on creating a food plan, give me challenges, help me work the steps and most importantly - hold me accountable until I can hold myself accountable.

My ultimate goal and path right now, is a spiritual and emotional one. I need to heal from the inside out. And I really and truly believe that if I can do that, the weight will fall off with out much of a thought from me. I plan to use my blog as an outlet in sharing what I am learning. I once asked the question of my readers if peace and then weight loss comes first. Or if weight loss and then peace comes first. I got a lot of varying responses. After my experiences from the last year, I've decided that for me, I must find peace, and then I'll have the weight loss.

I have my answer, now I just need to go forth and do.

I love you!

2011-06-07T11:03:00.000-06:00

I've decided that for now I am going to stop blogging. I haven't been really doing much anyway, but just in case there are still a few of you out there reading, I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for reading, supporting, and loving me. I'll be back some time, and I'll be keeping the same URL.

I love you, stay strong, and remember - you are worth the fight!