tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85763187896559829302024-03-12T21:12:09.838-06:00Believe In YourselfSamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.comBlogger247125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-1869164724051861332019-01-10T09:53:00.000-07:002019-01-10T09:53:06.196-07:00Confessions of an addict<div style="color: black; font-family: "century gothic"; font-size: 16px;">
Hi, my name is Sam, and I'm a sugar & binge addict. </div>
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This is not an easy thing to admit publicly. Although I doubt that it will come as a surprise to anyone either. With the way my weight/health bounces around like it does, clearly something is amiss. I've not been officially diagnosed, but I'm also fairly certain I have a Binge Eating Disorder (BED). </div>
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So what do I mean by addict? Well, by definition "<i>Addiction is the repeated involvement with a substance or activity, despite the substantial harm it now causes, because that involvement was (and may continue to be) pleasurable and/or valuable.</i>"</div>
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">So let me restate that with my own issues: </span><span style="font-family: "century gothic"; font-size: 16px;">"</span><i style="font-family: "century gothic"; font-size: 16px;">Addiction (<b>for Sam</b>) is the repeated involvement with a substance (<b>Sugar</b>) or activity (<b>binging</b>), despite the substantial harm it now causes (<b>weight gain, self loathing, health issues, financial depletion, and increased depression/anxiety</b>), because that involvement was (and may continue to be <b>temporarily</b>) pleasurable and/or valuable (<b>for burying feelings, hiding from responsibilities, and having dis-regard for self and/or others</b>).</i><span style="font-family: "century gothic"; font-size: 16px;">" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">Whew - that's a heavy run-on sentence!! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">And I must admit that seeing it plainly stated like that is incredibly painful, embarrassing, and also... liberating! Part of the heaviness that comes with an addiction - is hiding from it. And trying to hide it from others (or thinking your hiding it). In fact - that is one of the things that determines if you have BED, if you regularly hide while you eat - because you are ashamed of others seeing how much you are consuming. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">So why am I sharing this now? Because truthfully, this is nothing new. I've spoken about it a lot in the past, especially on this blog - back when I blogged a lot. I have had a sickly relationship with sugar/food since I was a teen. But it was always something I could eventually get under control and could better my health. Through the last 10 years especially - it's clear when I had handle on it, and when it had a handle on me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">I've shared that In 2017 I lost an incredible 60lbs! We got pregnant, and brought this adorable girl into our lives - for which I will NEVER regret - of course! I've shared all this before. And I've even shared that although I expected to be able to jump right back into my health plan and lose weight, I didn't - instead experiencing trouble with postpartum. But I don't think I've really been clear (or honest - with myself or others) about just how much trouble I've had. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">My depression and anxiety hit higher levels then I've experienced, since high school. In high school, I dealt with my struggles with fighting with my friends, fighting with my family, cutting, and eventually quite a bit of suicidal thoughts. Thankfully I haven't been riddled with those same issues. However, I have thrown myself into food with the same desperation. The last 4-6 months have been the worst with this addiction than I've ever experienced. Binging daily, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I won't go into detail of what that looks like - but I'll say this. I gained 40lbs in 3 months. And I'm now tipping the scale at the highest weight I've ever been. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">So again, why am I sharing this now? Well, I have a couple of reasons. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">One: Because I am tired of pretending that things are okay. They are not okay. I am not okay, although I do have hope that I will be. As a Health Coach, there is a certain level of pressure to be healthy yourself. And let's be VERY clear here - pressure is NOT bad. Pressure changes coal into diamonds. Pressure keeps us on earth. Pressure is what motivates us and keeps us going! And I think for most Health Coaches, that is a fantastic thing! Because it adds a wonderful level of accountability that most people will thrive from. I've seen in it, in my other Health Coach friend's lives. I admire them. I envy them, and hope that someday it can be that for me too - a simple way to add accountability as I serve and help my clients. But a couple months ago, as I was right in the depths of my addiction and disorder, it got to the point that I was letting it compound the pressure on myself to fit the mold. I started feeling like a hypocrite, and impostor. And I'm not okay with that any more. So I'm saying it out loud, and being honest about not being okay. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">Two: Because you can't heal from what you don't acknowledge. And I want to heal from this, desperately! So much so, that I am willing to put this out there so that I can stop hiding from it. And I'm not saying that others need to do that. But for me, that's what I think about everyday. Is to share it - and let it be what it is - so I can finally just let it go. I want to successfully use this marvelous health program that I coach for - and reach the healthy weight I've sought for so long. And finally be able to move on and focus on something else! And to do that, I need help. And I can't get help, while also trying to hide who I actually am. So please - help me. Feel free to ask me about my health, ask me about my goals, and you can even ask me about my addiction. I think the more I talk about it, the more I share, the more I'll be able to move past it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">Three: And lastly, I want to help others with the same struggles. I have a brave friend who has put her story of her battle with depression on Facebook. She has been open and honest about it - all the gory details. And it has helped me, as I know it has helped hundreds (she is well loved) of other people! So while I don't know that I'll help hundreds, I do hope that by putting this out there and saying it out loud, maybe someone else will feel inspired to face their own demons. If you are one such person - please - know that I am here for you! I would LOVE to support you as you find healing and peace. Let's help each other, you are not alone! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;">Well - if you're still with me on this post, thanks for reading all the way through. Thanks for your love and support. And stay tuned - there will be more to this story to come!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><br /></span>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-85899832364825118442018-12-16T23:46:00.001-07:002018-12-17T00:00:12.059-07:002018 update<div style="color: black; font-family: "century gothic"; font-size: 16px;">
My sweet cousin recently started blogging. I have loved reading her posts - and she has inspired me to throw some thoughts out on this old blog. I doubt anyone reads it anymore. Actually, I'm okay with that. Because mostly I just want to purge my thoughts and feelings. Haha<br />
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My last post, about a year ago, I was on top of the world. After an incredibly difficult and painful pregnancy, this April we brought a beautiful soul into this world, Camille Rose. She is such a happy, delightful, and darling girl! We can't imagine life without her! Well... sometimes Emma can. lol But most the time she agrees and loves her to pieces. (Camille is 8 months in these pics. )</div>
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Postpartum has been a lot harder on me this go round. I've had a lot more depression, and struggle in getting my equilibrium back. While I have desperately wanted to be successful in getting back in the swing of things with my health program, I haven't been able to. Which - to be completely honest - is maddening. Because I KNOW how amazing it is! I KNOW it works!!! And I KNOW that when you are on it - it's simple and easy!! I just can't seem to move past a few of my own hang ups. Like depression, sugar addiction, and a serious binge addiction. </div>
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So, here I am, the heaviest I've ever been. In fact, I've ALWAYS been open about numbers on this blog, but I'm hesitant to say the number here. I'm trying hard not to live in "self-pity" land - but I admit I do visit from time to time. I also try and stay out of "judgement" land, but again - every now and then I slip on over. While there, time is spent judging myself. Or feeling the judgement of others. Very healthy. (Shaking head and face palming)<br />
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All of this has also been coupled with Emma growing more and more independent (holy cow, she is five now!!!). And at the same time, as Camille is growing into a little person - Emma is more and more realizing that life is NOT the same. Her jealousy is causing her to act out, and I haven't been as prepared for it as I thought I was. We've been butting heads, and this has caused both her and I pain and sadness. I'm praying desperately for answers on how to heal our relationship, how to help her to feel she is still and integral part of our family - because she of course she is, and how to help her accept and love her sister. As I did some ugly crying tonight I thought, I was reminded that even at 5 - this parenting stuff is tough! How will I survive the teen years???? :P<br />
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Well, all that being said, I'm NOT going to let any of this get the best of me. So I am praying a LOT these days. Searching for answers in the scriptures, using Essential Oils to help balance my hormones, emotions, and body. And soon I'll be working on a healthy gut as well. And with all that - I feel confident that I'll be in a better place mentally to jump back in the Health Program bandwagon. And I'm sure as I start feeling better mentally and physically that will also help me in the parenting world too. After all - it's ALL tied together!! </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-40632881642878466292017-11-01T18:06:00.000-06:002017-11-01T18:06:01.821-06:00One Year Later<div style="color: black; font-family: "century gothic";">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">Today marks the one year anniversary from when I started on my journey toward better health. This is going to be one of those long winded posts, so ya know, bear with me. :) </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Last year, I was in a desperate place. And through a series of unexpected events, I decided to take a risk. To try a program I had previously turned down my nose on. Truth be told - I was scared. I had a lot of... </span></span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "century gothic";"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">pessimistic</span></span><span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> thoughts. <b>I was hopeful, but scared to allow myself to actually be hopeful</b>. Does that make sense? I thought...</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="3hdoo-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here we go again. </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="asj61-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here is another thing for me to waste my time and our money on. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here is another thing that will work for others, but not for me. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">But... I had good reasons to fight through those thoughts to find the hope. And ultimately, it's those reasons that gave me the courage to have success. Because that's the true rub of it - sometimes success is plain scary. At least it is for me. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">I lost 61lbs in around 9 months. When you add to that, that I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. A syndrome that makes it extremely difficult to lose weight!!!), it was a miracle. But it wasn't just about the weight, it's all the other things that I started to gain. </span></div>
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<li>I started to have confidence again. </li>
<li>I started to like who I was again. Not because I weighed less, but because I had started to take care of myself and to care about myself again. </li>
<li>I started to be a more loving wife and mother. </li>
<li>I fit in my clothes again, and to felt like I looked good in them. </li>
<li>I had energy again!!!!</li>
<li>I started to get regular visits from Aunt Flow. Which - was a VERY big deal!!! Pretty hard to get pregnant without her coming around. </li>
<li>I started wanting to worry less about myself, and look more for opportunities to help others! </li>
<li>There are so many more, I could go on... </li>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "century gothic";"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Many of you know the struggle we had in bringing our sweet Emma into our family. We waited 6.5 years for her, she was worth the wait!! We knew because of our struggles, that we wouldn't wait long to start trying again. Well, she turned four this May, and still no siblings. But as all this other stuff unfolded, we knew - we could see God's hand in it. It wouldn't be long. Aug 31st, just before bed, I began to feel nauseous. Because of our almost comical experience with Emma (read <a href="http://believeinyourself1.blogspot.com/2012/10/excited-to-announce.html" target="_blank">here</a> for that one), we both knew. Even before the test. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "century gothic";"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">So here we are, one year later. Our life permanently altered, forever. That may seem a little dramatic - but that's me. :) For me, being able to bring another child into our family is the biggest blessing of all. The second, is the opportunity I now have as a Health Coach, to turn around and share this program with others. Watching my clients as their story unfolds. It has been one of my greatest pleasures to be a part of their lives and journey.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "century gothic";"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">At the end of the day, I know. I know what it can do. I know how it can heal. And in some cases, I know how it can save. Because that's what it did for me. I'll be forever grateful. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "century gothic";"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">~ Sam</span></span></span></span><br />
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Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-82938285919529704902017-06-17T07:17:00.001-06:002017-06-17T08:15:01.258-06:00Chapter 2, The struggle<div style="color: black; font-family: "century gothic"; font-size: 16px;">
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Around the 5th month of being on plan, I started to falter. Things had been going so well, but all of sudden I found it difficult to stay on track. I began reverting back to some of my past habits. Knowing what I knew - how simple this could be - I couldn't understand why I was struggling.<br />
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For the next 3 months (Mar-May 2017) I have maintained my weight loss. I tried several times to get back on track, but could only get a couple of days - to maybe a week in, and then I would completely blow it (and I mean blow it BIG). The one thing I'll say, is that in the past - by now I probably would have given up. But I couldn't. Because I knew this amazing gift I had in my hand was THE one! I knew it would get me to where I wanted to go, so I held on. I kept trying. By May, I still wanted to understand why this was happening, I just didn't get it... so I started some serious self reflection.<br />
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I came out the other end of this reflection... a different person.<br />
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Just a side note... some may say "Sam, you're a Health Coach. Why are you telling people about your struggle to stick to your Health Program. How will they trust you to help them?". Well, because life is a struggle sometimes. I would be lying to myself and others if I pretended that I haven't struggled. Sometimes it's IN the struggle, that we really find out what we are made of. When my clients struggle, I will be able to completely sympathize with them. And to help them move forward. And ultimately - that's what I want the most. To help.<br />
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So what did I learn that has changed me so much? I'm so glad you asked! :)<br />
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When I began my journey (you can read about that in a <a href="http://believeinyourself1.blogspot.com/2017/06/a-new-book-chapter-1.html" target="_blank">short post here</a>) on this program, I needed relief. I was struggling to breathe. Physically and mentally. I just needed to have relief. My "Why" was to lose 130-150lbs so that I could be healthy. But mostly... I was focused on losing the weight. Problem was, once I lost the 56lbs, I was relieved. All of sudden life wasn't such a struggle. And I gloried in that!! Thanked God for that! I was jumping for joy! But why wasn't I able to move on?<br />
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Well, because I had fixed the problems that had been motivating me to change.<br />
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It wasn't enough to keep me moving forward.<br />
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I've come to the conclusion that as long as I am focused on "weight loss" and "fixing myself", I'll never get to where I really want to be. Instead, I need to be focused on the <b>outcome</b> that I want. I started to paint that picture. To get it really clear in my head. What does my "optimal health" <i>really</i> look like - and "why" do I want it? I thought about it so much, and pictured it so much, that I could feel, taste, smell, hear, and touch what it felt like! And it was <i>good</i>!!!!! I want it bad.<br />
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<b>It was then that I knew. If your in it to fix it, it won't last. You'll only get to the point that you start to release the pressure on what you're trying to fix. Change, REAL change - life altering change - will only come when you start focusing on the positive outcome! It will become the driving force that will get you to your goal. (This is HUGE!!! Did you catch it???)</b><br />
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One of the things I considered a lot, was how I would like my diet to be when I get to my optimal health. What kind of relationship with food I would have. Food won't be "bad" or "good" anymore. <i>I won't feel bad or good </i>depending on what I've eaten. I won't be "bad" or "good". I'll eat for nutrition. I'll eat to thrive. I'll make food choices for the majority of the time that I know will help give me the energy I want and to sustain my life. And of course, there will be times I will have a treat! And I'll enjoy them. I will be satisfied with a piece of cake (instead of the whole thing). And I'll continue to eat well the next day, instead of spiraling into a food/guilt tornado.<br />
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As I became comfortable with this idea, it donned on me. Why am I waiting??? Why was I waiting to have that kind of relationship with food, until I weigh 150lbs? I need to start that, NOW. Not just need, I wanted it! Craved it! It was then that I realized just how much power I had been giving food. <i>I had given it the power to define who I was and how I felt about myself. </i><br />
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NO MORE!! I took my power back!<br />
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I started to change my vocabulary when it comes to food and eating. I took out Bad/Good and Right/Wrong, and replaced them with Better or Best. I don't use the word cheating - because again, that implies I've done something wrong. Now I say modify. These tiny alterations have had a BIG impact on myself, food, and how I feel about it all!<br />
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In the end, it comes down to this. I want HEALTH. I want VITALITY. I want to THRIVE. And of course, I still want to lose weight. But losing weight is not the driving force anymore. As I make choices that I know will carry me to my optimal health - the weight loss will be a simple side affect. As a wise man recently told me, your weight is only a metric. Something to help you know that you are making good choices.<br />
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My weight does not define me. I get to do that!<br />
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Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-64227980065648086242017-06-14T10:12:00.001-06:002017-06-17T05:48:43.941-06:00Chapter 1, A new book<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Many of you know, I've been trying to lose weight for years. And years. I've yo yoed. I've done well, and fallen back down again (or UP as the case may be). In 2016, I was at my highest weight, just under 300lbs. It was a year filled with severe depression, severe anxiety, per-diabetes, heart palpitations and tachycardia, possible fatty liver, sleep apnea, excessive sweating, headaches, horrible muscle cramping (in my legs and ribs), complete exhaustion on most days, chronic sinus infections, all caused by tipping the scale at the highest weight I've ever been. And the <u>very worst part</u> of it all is thinking about the kind of person I've been to those I love. Both Mike & Emma have suffered along with me. </div>
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On Nov 1st I started a new health program, honestly thinking it would be another diet. Just a way to lose the weight. Little did I know, it was going to be the thing that will change me forever! </div>
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The weight literally melted off in a way I've never experienced! With PCOS, it's really difficult to lose weight. So I usually only lose 10-12lbs in a month - at the MOST. I lost 22lbs* in the first month!! I couldn't believe it! And it just kept going. In four months, I had lost 56lbs! Life was DRASTICALLY different. I could move comfortably again. I could get out of bed without pain. I could tie my shoes. I could go the whole day without needing a 2 hour nap. I could hug Mike and actually be close to him. I could fit into clothes again. I felt on top of the world! </div>
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And a lot of the medical issues I had been having were also better! My numbers on my liver started to get better. My blood sugars leveled out, and I was no longer pre-diabetic. My monthly cycle has actually begun working properly. My depression and anxiety were not gone, but were easier to manage and were lessened quite a lot! </div>
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The biggest thing we <i>gained</i>...</div>
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Relief! </div>
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When I started, I was in pain. Mentally, physically, and in so many other ways. I just needed relief! I needed to be able to breath again. I found the program easy to follow, simple, and satisfying! I knew I had found something that I could use to finally reach my goal weight, and something that would teach me to make food choices that will allow me to maintain that weight loss for the rest of my life! </div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-size: x-small;">*<span style="font-family: "calibri"; text-align: center;">Average weight loss for Clients on the Optimal Weight
5&1™ with support is 20lbs. </span></span></div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-82554821282219734912015-06-04T22:24:00.001-06:002015-06-04T22:24:35.174-06:00Submit<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
It's been such a long week. It's been really fun, but SO busy! I have barely had a chance to breath. Things are finally starting to slow down though, and it should be a pretty chill weekend. I'm looking forward to getting caught up on the day to day stuff and maybe getting a nap??? :D</div>
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Yesterday by the time dinner time rolled around I was exhausted! Emma and I had been running most of the day, and when we weren't I was working or working out. I had pulled out some chicken and had it marinating, but just before Mike got home my blood sugar started to drop. I hate it when that happens. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. I can be in a completely great mood - and in seconds go to feeling like crap - which makes me less than patient about anything. By the time Mike got home I did not want to cook. I put the chicken in the fridge and told him I was ordering pizza. He is sick, so he was fine with whatever as long as he didn't have to do it. I had the order all put in, the credit card in even. I was about to hit "Submit" and I had this thought "It's always going to be hard. You know that right? There is always going to be something that will make making good choices difficult. If you are ever going to change, you have to cook even when you don't want to. Don't give in". </div>
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I did submit. But I didn't push the button. I submitted to the thoughts in my head. I believe that it wasn't just my thoughts, the spirit was with me too encouraging me to be my higher self. My better self. I turned my phone off got up and made grilled chicken, yellow squash, and cut up some fresh pineapple. </div>
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Yesterday I won. I listened. I submitted to the change I want so desperately. I submitted to the Spirit's promptings. We did order pizza tonight, but it was planned. We usually eat out once a week and we decided to have that tonight. And I felt fine about that. We always end up buying too much. And normally - I don't mind. (Talk about a first world problem - I always feel like such a jerk about those) But today when I was putting the left overs in the fridge I was thinking I wish we had bought less so that there wasn't so much to eat tomorrow. Because I don't really want the calories from my yummy meal tonight - tomorrow too. I'm going to try freezing the left overs and see how that works. Lesson learned though, less is better! And submitting is good. </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-49886996628584009182015-06-01T14:30:00.002-06:002015-06-01T15:22:43.459-06:00Change<div style="font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
There is no magical way of eating that is
going to make you thin. No matter how much you search online, no
matter how many books you read, no matter how hard you pray - there is
not some magical way of eating that is escaping you. Not that research,
and books, and prayer can't help. They can. But in the end, if you want
change, YOU have to change.<br />
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If you want change, YOU have to change!</span></span></span></span><br />
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I've always said that I love change, and
it's true, I do. But I seem to hit a wall on every plan I start about 4
weeks in. I think it's because that is the point of real change. The
honey moon is over. The excitement is starting to wear off. And the
weight of real change is starting to weigh on me. Last week - I buckled
under the weight. I stopped working out - granted I've been having
trouble with my back. But I could have pushed it a little harder. I have
been eating horribly. We've eaten out a lot. I've
binged a lot. And, I feel it! I feel heavy again. I
feel tired and exhausted and cranky. I am struggling to get up in the
morning again. I'm struggling to feel motivated. I'm struggling. </div>
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I
have the saying "I can do hard things" posted all over my house. I like having a constant reminder. I think we all go through times in our lives where something so
important as "I can do hard things" gets lost in the shuffle of
everything else we are trying to balance. Or we get stuck in the mud and
crap that we are dealing with in our life, after all, don't we all have
a little crap? We all need little reminders that we are strong. We all
need a little push. Whether that comes in the form of a uplifting song,
or a text from a loved one, or in a note to yourself that you can do
hard things. I put them all over so that when I get stuck in the mud of
every day - I can open my fridge and see it, and remember to pull myself
out and not go for the easy choice. </div>
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<u><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">If you want change, YOU have to change!</span></span></span></b></u><br />
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So here is the hard thing I'm going to do today. I'm going to pull on my big girl pants (literally - bahaha) and do something hard. I'm going to <b>not </b>do what's easy today. I am not going to quit today. I'm going to readjust as needed and continue on. I am going to find real change
this time. Watch me. </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-90223224810297225952015-05-22T09:04:00.003-06:002015-05-22T09:04:38.896-06:00Image and Reality<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
I've been working on changing a little habit. This little thought
process. Whenever I start a new "Plan" or a new diet, or a new whatever -
I start to get this image of myself in my head. It's a good image -
it's the image of what I want to become. And as I start making healthy
changes, the image becomes more and more clear. The problem is that when I look in the mirror I expect to see that new
image - sometimes right away. While this image can be a really good
thing and a motivator, this expectation is not. And it become
discouraging that the two - my image and my reality - don't match up.
But this time around, every time I feel that discouragement I'm trying
to kindly remind myself that it WILL if I just keep making the other
changes that I'm focusing on daily. That if I do those enough and don't
quit - soon those two <u><i>will</i></u> become the same! </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-43690756298967909422015-05-19T21:20:00.001-06:002015-05-19T21:20:17.320-06:00What a bummer... bum knee!<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
As I mentioned in my last post I've been at this for three weeks. I've been very diligent, especially in getting my workout on. I bought a weight bench and weights on KSL and have been lifting and doing HIIT for cardio on my road bike or running. It's amazing how fast I am seeing results. While the scale hasn't move a ton - I am noticing a difference in how my clothes fit. I saw the quote below just before I started my new plan and it has been my montra this whole time. When I look in the mirror if I have a negative thought about what I see, I imeadiately remind myself that I'm working on life style changes. And those take some time. And if I make these new habits just... habits, I will see change in whatever it is I don't like. And I often remind myself of this quote. Give it time! </div>
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<img alt="It takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends and 12 weeks for the rest of the world. Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit!" class="pinImage" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b3/0e/49/b30e497b27357b5d5beabda34d6df3a4.jpg" /> </div>
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Last night I was doing my workout. And while doing lunges, I tweaked my knee. It was bad enough that I immediately stopped and sat down to ice it. I've been icing it all day and it is feeling a bit better. But I have to say, last night I was REALLY discouraged! (although I was discouraged, I DIDN'T binge!!! YAY) I've been doing so well, and I was so sad/scared/frustrated/worried that I would have to stop working out! After some self pity time, I realized that it's only my knee - and it's not that bad. If it does require some heal time, there are lots of other things I can do during that time. I can focus a little more on my eating. I can focus on my upper body strength. I can swim. I can find exercises for my legs that don't tax the knee. It was a pretty fast mind set change for me. Honestly that was as exciting as seeing 5lbs lost on the scale. Because it's really up to my mind to lose this weight. It's not only my body that needs to do weight lifting to build strength. So does my spirit. So does my mind. In fact, they need it more than my body - because they are what drive the body. </div>
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I was going to take the day off today, but decided that wasn't necessary. I just needed to find a different way to work out. And not only did I get my cardio in, but I made up the workout that I didn't finish last night too. Mike and I went swimming. Swimming is a real struggle for me. I never properly learned how to do it, so swimming for me is more... not drowning. lol But Mike was very patient and didn't tell me all the things I was doing wrong (even though it was killing him) and just encouraged me. I finally told him he could give me one thing, and he helped me with my breathing. It's amazing how breathing really helps when you are working out. Ha! Anyway, it was a good swim and I was wasted after! Tonight's lifting wasn't my best, but it wasn't my worst either. I think most importantly, I did it. </div>
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I don't mean to toot my own horn so much, but you gotta celebrate the wins. And these were pretty big wins! :)</div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-84574486468659978662015-05-17T22:11:00.000-06:002015-05-17T22:11:16.676-06:00Choosing my life<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
I have a pretty good life. Sometimes, when I get in the deep pit of depression it's easy to forget that, but I really am so very blessed! I have a loving and amazing husband who works ridiculously hard for our family. I have a daughter that is just so happy and delightful! We have a safe, warm home, and want for nothing when it really comes down to it. But sometimes that pit just seems to drag at me and pull me down and I forget. This Winter I spent a lot of time in the pit. Sometime in the beginning March I decided I had had enough. I started praying about what I should do to finally pull myself out of it. I had that thought (that I know was an answer to my prayer) to start reading the Book of Mormon every day. I listened to that prompting and started reading. My outlook started to improve and each day was better than the last. A couple weeks ago my friend mentioned she was back on her cleaning schedule and I thought, I want to do that. So I pulled out one that I had used in the past and changed it to fit my life now (I'm going to post more on that at another time). Making these two changes have been <u><b>monumental</b></u> in pulling myself out of the pit! They've given me the freedom in my mind to explore other areas of my life that need some, tweaking. </div>
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Anyone who has known me for more than 5 min - knows that I love plans. I love goals. I love charts. Unfortunately, I don't often stick with the plans. So as I started considering my next move - I reflected back on the things that I usually gravitate to and started noticing a pattern. I started seeing that clearly the saying "<i>If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got</i>" is so very true in my life. Especially for my health and weight. I decided that, yes, I would still have a plan, but that it would look very different than I had ever done before. And part of the difference - is that I'm not going to share it with the world. I'll share pieces of it at a time. I'll say this, it is very well rounded. It's not just about losing weight. In fact, that really is just a small piece of it. It's about my spiritual life, it's about my environment, it's about my social life, and yes - it's about nutrition and exercise. But the biggest thing it's about - is creating a lifestyle that I want. It's about choosing my life, accepting what is - and loving myself, and choosing to find improvement. <br />
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I've been working on these new goals for three weeks now and it's going really well. One of the things that I'm working on is writing in my journal instead of eating when I want to binge. This is where blogging comes in. I have a private blog that is only for me. I use it as a journal. I've been writing in it almost every day, and decided that some of the things I want to share with others. So when appropriate, I'll post it on this blog as well. I don't know if anyone really reads this anymore or not, but that's okay. I'm going to post anyway. So if you're new to the blog, or have been hanging in there with me for some time - keep coming back, it's about to get good!! :) </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-79724185826139155392015-05-10T07:29:00.000-06:002015-05-10T07:34:36.078-06:00You are a Mother....<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
I am not a morning person. But here I sit at 6am while my family sleeps because my heart is so full, I think it may spill over! There are some things I need to say. <br />
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First off I just want to thank my own Mom for everything she does for me! Not only for the growing years and ALLLLLL that entails. But especially over the last two years and nine months. She has been so supportive as I've entered this new world of motherhood myself. She has taught me, she has helped me, and in some instances carried me when I couldn't go on myself. She is a wonderful example to me of service and unconditional love. I love you <span style="color: purple;"><b><u>MORE</u> </b></span>Mom!!!!! :D </div>
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It's amazing how one little holiday can evoke so many different feelings. For some, it's a day of joy, celebration, and love - as it should be!! For others it's a day of missing dearly those who have departed from this world, and wishing for just one more hug. For some it is a day of pain, regret, and guilt for not being more than they think they should be - if only they could see how wonderful they really are. And for some, it's filled with dread, and the deepest hunger I think a person can ever know. </div>
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In our house, we have experienced all of these feelings. My husband's Mom passed away four years ago this year. Seems like it was just yesterday. I long for Mike to be able to see her one more time. I long for Emma to run into her arms and call her Grandma! And while I <i>know </i>that we will see her again - and I <i>know </i>that her presence will be felt today, there will still be a few tears shed for her loss while we wait. </div>
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For years, I was in the later group. While I loved the opportunity to celebrate the wonderful and amazing women in my life, it was always a bit tainted. Because it brought into light the burning desire that consumed my thoughts most days - I want to be a mother. I would assume that most women experience this hunger at some point in their life. And hopefully, that hunger is soon satisfied with thoughts of "I'm pregnant" and all that the future holds. But for those who experience infertility issues, those who have to wait, and wonder - it becomes something so different. It becomes a consuming hunger. Something so deep and so painful that it is hard to describe or imagine. And on Mother's day it was so glaringly obvious - that I wasn't a mother. </div>
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I always hated going to church on Mother's day - and didn't for several years. I hated the moment that they had all the mothers stand up and be recognized. I hated how those around me would encouraged me to stand up too. Please don't misunderstand, it's not that I felt any ill feeling toward those Mother's - or even that I didn't want to see them recognized! They should be recognized! They are teaching, loving, and raising our next generation. They are healers, cooks, house cleaners, boo-boo kissers, tickle monsters, confidants, chauffeurs, and so so much more. They shouldn't just stand - we should also clap and cheer for them too! No, it's not that I didn't want to see them recognized, it's that I wanted so desperately to join them as a mother, and when I would stand up, all I felt like was a fraud. Pretending to be and to have something, I'm not. </div>
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To those women who were able to become a mommy without too much struggle, I am so delighted for you! Seriously, I would never
in a million years want to see anyone not be able to bear a child if
they wanted to. And I never have begrudged those that did. I celebrated with many of my friends having their children, and I have been
excited for them! I have prayed for them! And I have watched and learned
from them! They were and still are my heroes. Thank you for all you do!! </div>
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Fast forward 6 1/2 years and here comes the BIGGEST miracle (and surprise) of my life! We are pregnant! We don't know how it happened! It probably shouldn't have, but it did. I know that Emma is a direct gift from God. I won't go into all the details (you can read about it <a href="http://believeinyourself1.blogspot.com/2012/10/excited-to-announce.html" target="_blank">here </a>if you really want to know), but suffice it to say - we were shocked!! And of course completely - knocked off our axis - with joy!</div>
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But here is the funny thing, when Mother's day came rolling around while I was pregnant - I still didn't look forward too it. I still didn't look forward to the day that was meant to celebrate my motherhood. Part of it was just the years of painful memories and tears. Part of it was that I was already starting to feel some of that guilt that mothers sometimes feel when their not, you know, perfect. And honestly, I also felt some guilt knowing that I was going to have a baby when there were still people that I knew and loved who were still struggling.</div>
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So here we are, it's my 3rd Mother's day as a mother. Last year was a bit better, and finally this year I can say that I'm not dreading the day. Finally I can say that I'm excited about being celebrated, and standing up with the other Mother's. But must admit that I still feel some sorrow today. I have still shed some tears today, but not for myself, but for the other women I know that are out there still feeling that same dread that I felt for so long. And really, it's to them that I want to say: You are a Mother! </div>
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Here's the thing that I didn't know back then. And it's taken me a while to understand it. The moment you start loving your child, in my personal opinion, that's the moment you become a mother. And what I didn't realize, was that for 6 1/2 years - I was loving my child! I was fighting for her. I was hoping for her. I was praying for her. Sure - I didn't know her name and I didn't know she would be a she. :) But looking back, I <i>did </i>love her! I wanted her to have an amazing life. I wanted to give her all the things she would need, to become anything she wanted to be. And I was trying to live in a way that I would be ready to help her do that. And all of that is what being a mom, mommy, and mother - is all about! </div>
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So for those of you who are out there still feeling the ache of something missing in your arms - know that it's that ache that makes you a mother <i>right now</i>. I know that doesn't take all the hurt away, of course it doesn't. But it means when you have the opportunity - you stand up proud with those other mothers. Let others celebrate you and the <b>HARD HARD</b> work you are doing! And most of all - that you <u>never</u> give up on that fight - because it is a good one and believe me when I say it is worth all the pain, tears, and money! </div>
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I'm ready to stand today and be celebrated - and <b>I hope you do too, </b>whatever your circumstance may be!!! Please know that I celebrate you, who you are, and what you fight for. Whether that means you are are holding your child in your arms or in your heart (for now).<b><span style="color: purple;"> </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><b>Happy Mother's day to all of you</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"><b>beautiful mothers out there!!!</b></span></span></div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-56100369025930842162014-08-10T13:41:00.000-06:002014-08-10T13:41:12.023-06:00My goals for the week<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Well I did pretty good for several weeks! I even did 26.5 miles one week!! Woo hooo!! I'd gotten a little off track again, and then last week I got very ill and ended up with Strep all week. Nothing like a week in bed with the chills and hot flashes that makes you want to take better care of your health!! SOOO.... I'm starting to feel better and am ready to get back on track this week. </div>
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My goals for this week - putting them out there so I can stay accountable: </div>
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1. Measure and track every bite on MFP. I'm not going to get crazy with eating a perfect diet. Just going to... eat and track. I'll work on getting in my veggies and fruits, but I'm not going to "eat clean" as the saying goes. I do have plans to make dinner every night and to eat from home all week. </div>
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2. Get caught up at work. This means working 6am-12pm and during Emma's afternoon nap. This sounds easy - but I really struggle with the 6am thing. But I have to do it. </div>
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3. Claim the house again. Haha As you can imagine, it's a bit of a mess. So I am going to get the cleaning under control. This will probably be about all the real exercise I can handle, I'm still pretty low on energy.</div>
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4. If by some miracle I do have some energy to spare, then I want to get in a few walks. I'd also like to take Emma swimming and to a splash pad. She has been stuck in side too, and I want to get out and enjoy our last days of Summer together.</div>
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5. My last goal is to NOT spend my evenings watching TV. There are many things I want to do and I always claim I don't have time to fit them in. But then I spend a good couple of hours watching TV at night. I've decided it's time to cut that out and focus that time on more productive and satisfying projects. Whether it be cleaning, crafting, or exercise. Something that's for... me. Doesn't mean I won't ever watch TV, but I'm going to limit myself to one episode a day, and try and do something with my hands at the same time.</div>
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Here's to a great week! :D</div>
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Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-13466065364800196092014-07-15T22:58:00.005-06:002014-07-15T23:21:39.130-06:00Back in the saddle again!<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Well things around have here have taken a big 180. And I am loving it!</div>
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A couple weeks ago I was really in a funk. Okay, let's be honest here, I've been in a funk for a long time (like a year... or more). While I LOVE being a mom (like seriously, love love love!), and love being a wife, and enjoy the majority of my life. I have just had these internal struggles still about weight. And nagging endless questions about should I diet, or should I not or BLAH BLAH BLAH. Seriously, I'm so over it. Anyway, needless to say I've been living in limbo town and it sucks! And honestly, it was an excuse.</div>
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I'd gotten into this terrible habit of watching TV shows on Netflix until 2am. Like every night. Not good! I'm not sure why really - I think because I could just zone out. I wasn't responsible for anyone. And I didn't have to re-hash my "woes". One night I was again... watching my show and had this random thought to Google for some new weight loss blogs to read. I know people say the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight - but I truly believe it was his prompting that I do this. I came across a new blog. I stopped watching my show, and from 2am-3am I sat and read probably 10 or more of her posts. </div>
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And something just... clicked! </div>
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Her name is Katie, and you can find her blog at <span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://www.runsforcookies.com/">http://www.runsforcookies.com/</a></span>. Below I am going to link to the several posts that really got me thinking. The short of it is that she is <b>pretty much amazing</b>! But real! You know, someone I think if I knew in real life, we would be friends! (Although as of yet, I haven't even commented on her blog, so this might come of a bit of shock to her. Haha.) She lost 126lbs in 16 months through exercise and nutrition. And still eating treats!! Anyway, go to her blog to read about her awesomness! </div>
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But there were a couple of really key ideas and principles that I took away from her blog that night that have helped me <b>completely turn around and head back down the path to health</b>. </div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://www.runsforcookies.com/2012/01/difference-between-motivation-and.html" target="_blank">Motivation Vs. Determination</a></span> - this is a great post! And she really got me thinking about my own determination, and how I was kind of (and by kind of I mean absolutely)... lacking in (and by lacking in, I mean hiding from) it. I have a LOT of really great motivating things in my life - reasons for me to change. And yet.... and yet I wasn't. I was eating my heart out, barely exercising, binging (a lot), all while getting more and more frustrated with myself. Not once did I say "Self, you CAN do this. And we are going to do this. Now. No more excuses." I kept letting my confusion between dieting and intuitive eating keep me from actually <i>doing </i>anything!</div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://www.runsforcookies.com/2012/09/binge-eating.html" target="_blank">Binge Eating</a></span> - This is a biggie for me. If you've read my blog at all, or know me at all, then you know that I really struggle with this. She also struggles with this and some of the things she wrote about it I really connected with! I've made some progress in this area. I haven't completely stopped binging (yet), but I am holding myself accountable by tracking what I eat during them. Also, trying REALLY hard not to judge myself for it - and to just try to understand what the cause was and how to avoid it. Progress, not perfection. :) </div>
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What I am willing to do, and what I'm not - this one has a couple of posts worth reading. Read <a href="http://www.runsforcookies.com/2012/12/how-sodium-changed-my-dieting-mentality.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">this</span> </a>one and <a href="http://www.runsforcookies.com/2011/12/waiting-until-new-year.html" target="_blank">this</a> one! You know, this isn't really a new concept to a diet junky like myself. "I'm not on a diet, I'm making life changes" yada yada yada. But Katie put said it in a way that really just feels... doaable. I'm not going to tell what she says - you have to go read! :D But it's awesome, and it really has connected the dot for me personally between counting calories and intuitive eating. Making them both something that will work for me. </div>
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There are so many other good posts - when you go to her blog click on her Directory and check them out! </div>
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Since that night I've made a lot of great changes. Most importantly - <b>I stopped hiding from my determination!</b> And I made my own list of things I'm not willing to do/willing to do. And in that have <b>easily </b>been doing the following:</div>
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1. I've been using My Fitness Pal to track all my calories. Love this app!! </div>
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2. I'm still eating pretty much the same foods I was before (including cookies, ice cream, pizza, and other treats), I'm just making more of an effort to include more fruits and veggies. I expect that as I continue my choices will continue to get better and better. Also that my tastes will change. We shall see. :) </div>
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3. I'm measuring or weighing all of my food and watching my serving sizes. </div>
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4. And I've really amped up my exercise - <b>because it feels good</b>!! Yes, I love adding calories burned into MFP, but what I love even more is the burn in my legs knowing that I USED them! Previously I was walking 2-3 times a week, 2 miles per walk. Last week I walked a total of 15.5 miles. This week I'm already at 6. Loving it! I've even started jogging a little. I can't tell you how much joy this brings me! I want to show Emma how fun it is to use your body and to be able to keep up with her when she does!</div>
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5. I decided to count calories, not WW points. But I am going to continue going to the meetings - for now. Honestly, I joined WW several months ago and have done it like two days. Not really sure why - probably just another excuse. And even though I don't want to follow their plan, I do get a lot out of their meetings and being with others striving for health. I had actually already been contemplating dropping WW, and Katie had some interesting things to say about it in <span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://www.runsforcookies.com/2011/08/faq-2-whats-deal-with-you-and-weight.html" target="_blank">this post</a></span> that helped me decide that for me - calorie counting was going to be best. </div>
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6. I stopped watching Netflix until all hours of the night. </div>
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Over the last week and 1/2 I've lost 4.9lbs. But even more importantly than that, I feel so happy and positive about these changes! I'm actually excited to get up in the morning and go for my daily walk with Emma and our friends. </div>
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<span style="color: magenta;"><b>It's nice to feel good about myself again! More to come!!</b></span></div>
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Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-39149956508184048122014-05-01T22:53:00.001-06:002014-05-02T06:43:08.867-06:00Profound words<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Usually when I sign up for WW (because sadly, I've done it what feels like a million times) there is this excitement and drive to be perfect. And I track every bite. And I eat all my veggies, and live with a water bottle at my side. I always have that honeymoon where I drop a good 10lbs before I start to stumble a little. </div>
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This time, no honeymoon. I'm just stumbling. </div>
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The thing is, it's okay. </div>
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Maybe I am taking a page out of Intuitive Eating still, but even though I haven't been tracking. Or really doing much more than attending the meetings, it's okay. I have been patient with myself about it. I haven't judged it, or myself. I've been able to see that things in my life are just a "little" crazy right now and the stress and emotions are just to heavy right now. And... it's okay. (I have been walking again and am up to about 6-8 miles a week. Loving that!!)</div>
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I'm attending a meeting once a week, and that has been awesome! I have had some great insights and although I'm not following plan, I still see the value in going. And although I'm not following plan, my eating habits are changing. Some days are better than others, but there is progress. And for now, that is enough. </div>
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So the profound words I speak of in the title of my post are not my own. They come from the meeting I attended tonight. We had been talking about shifting our focus during the week from "weight loss" to "living on plan". Rather than stressing about losing weight or not, focusing more on the steps to get there. Eating great foods, within points, hitting the heatlhy checks, etc. </div>
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The leader mentioned on the Today show a segment they did called "Love your selfie". They had the hosts stand in front of a mirror and say what they saw. She said it was surprising how someone she thought was so beautiful or handsome didn't see it. And then she said something I loved! </div>
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She said we have to remember that inside is a soul. And that soul is beautiful. And that no matter what we see when we look in the mirror, if we could take that soul out and look at it in the mirror, it would be so easy to fall in love with ourselves. </div>
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I think that so often we just focus on the packaging. We stare at it, we despise it, we criticize it, we criticize other's packaging, and occasionally we may like or love it too. I think too often we forget that while our bodies are definitely a gift from God, and deserve our love and respect, they do not make up who we are. Too often we get the two confused. And then we just end up in a world of hurt and pain unnecessarily. </div>
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This week I am going to try and be better about being on plan. And I am going to focus on remembering the person I am on the inside is already amazing and wonderful. And even more than that - the person on the inside of my family and loved ones are truly beautiful. They deserve love and respect and kindness. So does every stranger on the street - no matter what they look like. And so do I. </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-59776791853390086972014-04-20T15:38:00.000-06:002014-04-20T15:38:14.852-06:00My week in review<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Well, this week went fairly well. I made my weekly menu, and did really well sticking to it until the weekend. Weekends are just tough. Mike isn't here most of it, and it's so easy to just eat. I made the mistake of making some of the menu items to difficult. So when it came time to make them over the weekend, I just didn't want to. While I didn't do horrible, it wasn't as well as I wanted. It's clear that next week, for the weekend, I am going to choose very simple meals that require little cooking. I think I'll do better with that. </div>
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Unfortunately we didn't get to go out and do our daily walk this week because Emma came down with a little cold. It wasn't terrible, but between that and the weather dropping just a little, I didn't want to risk her getting worse. I'm really looking forward to adding this to our day this coming week! I'm ready to move! </div>
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I did sign up for WW and attend my first meeting. It was good to be back. Hard in some ways, because I think about all the times I've been there before. If I had just kept at it. But... I'm not going to dwell on the past. I'm just going to be grateful I have the opportunity to change today and my future. </div>
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One of the things they encouraged us to do this week was to ask ourselves before we ate anything, "Is it worth it"? I really liked this, because so often I just go for what is easy and quick. Not necessarily what is good, beautiful, nutritious, and yummy. There were several times that I asked this, and the answer was no. And sometimes I didn't end up eating it. And sometimes I did. I decided not to judge myself for that - but just to be aware and observe. It was a step forward. </div>
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The other thing the leader brought up in regards to "Is it worth it?", was also asking "Am I worth it?". I thought that was a really good thing to think about to. This week as I move forward and get back on track I want to remember this. </div>
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Am I worth it? </div>
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Worth eating healthy for? Worth loving myself with healthy food and enjoyable movement? Worth accepting and loving? Yes. Yes. Yes! </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-53940783609328331232014-04-12T13:00:00.002-06:002014-04-12T13:00:24.282-06:00Going back to move forward<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Well I think I've come up with what I want to do. Over the last few weeks I've really considered a lot of different options. Different diet plans, workout plans, non-workout plans, non-diet plans, gastric by pass, prescription medication, and so on and so on. Last night as I sat here typing up that post I started thinking about the year 2010. That was a good year for me. I lost 45lbs. I was running all the time, felt so great about myself, and my health. I blogged 167 times about my life. While all of these may have been about me, it was in a good way. It was taking care of myself so that I could be a better wife, daughter, and friend. </div>
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I'm finding that with our schedule the way it is, and with adding the title of mommy - I very rarely am finding any time for anything that... fills up my cup. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom! And I love being a wife! These two things bring me so much joy and do fill up my cup. But they also drain it too sometimes. It feels like more often than not I run toward the empty side. And that is to no one's benefit.</div>
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So I've decided to make this simple. I'm going to go back to what I was doing - that <i>was </i>WORKING. Duh. Sometimes we just make things so difficult for ourselves. I don't plan to make a million changes all at once - because I know what will happen if I do that. But at some point over the next year, I want to work all of these changes into my life. </div>
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These three will start happening this coming week:</div>
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*Sign up for WW and attend a weekly meeting. </div>
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*Start going on a daily 1 mile walk. This is as much for the exercise, as just the opportunity for Emma and I to get out of the house, enjoy sunshine, and hopefully have nice chats with friends that may join us. </div>
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*Create a weekly meal plan, make a grocery list, and go shopping. (This may sound difficult - but I actually used to LOVE doing this)</div>
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To be added in as I go:</div>
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*Work up to blogging several times a week again. I have a feeling my posts will be a lot shorter than they used to be (then again, maybe not. hahaha I do have a lot to say). I found so much value in sharing my feelings, frustrations, and successes. It was very therapeutic and I think it had a lot to do with my success.</div>
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*Walk/jog a 5k end of May or beginning of June and a 10K in Moab in Dec. </div>
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*Go hiking at least once a week. My feet need to build up some strength again before I will start doing this. I hope to start in May.</div>
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*Move from walking back into jogging. At my peak, I was able to jog 2.5 miles straight. I started that year just by walking. Then increasing my walking distance. Then starting to jog intermittently, from tree to tree. And then slowly increasing the distances I was jogging. I'm going to do the same thing this summer. </div>
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*Riding my bike several times a week. I got a road bike for Christmas, but I've only been able to ride it a few times. The biggest problem is that when I sit on it, I can't breath because my weight pushes into my ribs. I think I'm going to have to drop a little weight first, but I'll keep trying it and soon hope to be riding it on constant basis. </div>
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I'm sure I'll think of more things along the way, but that's the immediate plan. </div>
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Yes, this is about weight loss. But more than that, it's about life changes. I want to be healthy, so that I can teach my children how to be healthy. I want to have self esteem so that I can be an example for Emma. I want to live life to it's fullest - by enjoying good food, fun family activities, and helping others. I want to get to the end of my life and have much to show for it. There are many habits and things in my life that I want to let go of. The great thing is that every day is a new day to be the person I want to be. I don't have to wait to be happy "when"... I start right now to enjoy my life as it is! And live in a way that will make tomorrow a great day too!</div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-56133969337558946552014-04-11T22:18:00.000-06:002014-04-11T22:18:31.726-06:00I'll be happy when....<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Today felt like a crossroads kind of day. One of those days where you finally get real with yourself, with what your life is, and what you want it to be. </div>
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It's so easy to think "I'll be happy when..." </div>
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"I'll be happy when I'm married."</div>
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"I'll be happy when I'm XXXlbs."</div>
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"I'll be happy when I fit in my clothes better."</div>
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"I'll be happy when we are out of debt."</div>
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"I'll be happy when the house is clean." </div>
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"I'll be happy when I'm a mother."</div>
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On a show that I'm watching one of the characters said something that has kind of stuck with me. He said that what happiness is, is wanting what you already have. And it's not that any one of these things wouldn't or hasn't brought me happiness. I think the key is finding happiness in just being where you're at, with what you have, and with who you love. And while some areas of my life bring me more joy than I ever thought possible, I'm not quite "happy" with where <i>I</i> am at. </div>
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I've felt pretty stuck lately. My thoughts and ideas about self and weight loss have become pretty twisted, and in doing so have really helped me pack on the lbs. I've always been really open about numbers on this blog - never feeling like I had anything to hide. This is the first time I don't want to post how much I weigh. Mostly because I don't want to face the reality, not because I really care what others think about it. </div>
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When I say my thoughts have become twisted, what I mean is that it's almost like I am on information overload. I love the idea of Intuitive Eating (IE) and principles they teach. I don't want to diet and have freedom to eat the foods I want - and I want to want healthy foods. But the reality is when I try this, I mostly end up eating way too much food and only the "fun" foods - in the name of IE. Which is not IE at all! And on the other hand I think there are several good plans and diets that I could be successful at. But the problem is every time I try and start the things I learned from IE about dieting start to come up and then I get all confused, and it's this whole vicious cycle. And I've been on it for months. And I'm tired of it. </div>
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I don't really know what the answer is yet. But before the weekend is out, I will have it. </div>
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Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-46283356253822092172014-01-01T22:02:00.001-07:002014-01-01T22:02:41.080-07:00Time to cleanse! <div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Wow - 2013 was such an awesome year!<br />
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Flip book of our year - <a href="http://flipagram.com/f/LOAzkb0HAm#" target="_blank">click here</a>! <br />
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See what I mean?? Awesome! <br />
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I have to admit I'm really excited about 2014 too! Not only do I get the sheer pleasure of watching Emma grow from a baby into a toddler, I have some plans for myself to do some growing as well.<br />
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2014 is going to be a year of cleansing. <br />
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Cleaning my spirit by getting back to the basics. I will do this by reading the Book of Mormon, and attending the temple once a month, and focusing on attending my meetings. Basics.<br />
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Cleansing my heart and mind of negative feelings of self and others. <br />
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Cleansing my body of unwanted weight through good nutrition and exercise. Keeping it simple here folks. Simple foods, simple guidelines, and fun activity! I received a road bike for Christmas, so I'm excited to get rolling on that ASAP! And I want to get back in to jogging.<br />
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Cleansing my (our) pocketbook by following our plan to get out of debt and staying on a budget.<br />
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Cleansing our home by sticking to my cleaning schedule. And also by using time I normally might use to watch TV to purge our house of excess. There is much to do - bring it on!<br />
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It's going to be a great year. Time to shed some weight, both literally and mentally. </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-29171149766481669602013-10-07T21:37:00.002-06:002013-10-07T21:37:39.186-06:00Done waiting<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Wow - look at me about to blog about something besides Emma. Haha, it's been a while! I just love that girl so much, she has enveloped my whole life, and I LOVE IT! I am starting to get the hang of things and ready to start adding a few things back into my very full life! :) And of course, one of those things is working on my health. </div>
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I am at my highest weight ever! Well - I guess I was about 10lbs more at the end of pregnancy, but I'm not really counting that. When I had Emma, within a couple weeks I got down to about 10lb away from my per-pregnancy weight, which was 243. I'm back up to about 263. </div>
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The funny thing is that my feelings about my body have really changed a lot! Although I am still frustrated some days about being so overweight and not having any clothes to fit, I'm not... angry. I'm not despising myself, or my body. Since I graduated 8th grade, I knew that getting pregnant was going to be a challenge. And I think the longer it took, the harder I was on it. The more I despised it (and essentially myself) for not being able to get pregnant. And then in turn even more abuse was given for not being able to lose the weight. </div>
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But now, I know. I know what my body is capable of. And truthfully, I know what I'm capable of. I never did get to posting why we chose to go for a natural birth. While it was <u>definitely</u> not the only reason, I did want to prove something to myself. </div>
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<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="font-size: large;">I. Can. Do. Hard. Things!!!!</span></span></div>
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Giving birth to Emma was probably the most challenging thing I've ever done. It was exhausting - emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But I did it. With a whole LOT of help from God, Mike, our Doula, the hospital staff, and my family, but I did it. And now on the other side of it, I have learned that I have an amazing body! It may not be in the health that I want. It may not be in the shape (although it is a shape :D) that I want, but I LOVE my body. I am grateful to be a woman and to God for giving us this amazing opportunity to bring life to Earth. </div>
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For so long now, probably 17 years or so, I've been working on losing weight. And for a lot of that time, I've been "Waiting" for that magic moment. You know what I mean? The moment where everything clicks. Where the Hollywood music plays in the background while I exercise for hours a day and eat carrot sticks. Haha. I've recently come to the conclusion that no such moment is coming. What I need to do is just get moving. Start changing habits. And when I fall down, because I will, instead of then letting myself give up, I just need to pick myself up and keep going. </div>
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<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Shall I falter, or shall I finish" ~ Thomas S. Monson</span></span></div>
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Tomorrow I begin the fight again, and I'm okay with that. I'm not discouraged that it's a battle I've been fighting for so long. Because I have learned a lot along the way about myself, my own worth, and the worth of others. And this time, I will not falter. I will make mistakes, because I'm human. I'm not after perfection, I am after progress. I am after health, energy, and life. I am after enjoying food for it's purpose - nutrition. I am after emotional health and being okay in feeling my feelings, instead of eating them. I am after the ability to teach my daughter (and other future children, should we be so blessed) to have a natural relationship with food, by example. To understand it's purpose, but not to live for it. </div>
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Ready, set, GO! </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-81740083300028354502013-07-06T23:08:00.000-06:002013-07-07T08:22:50.355-06:00Emma's Birth - Part 2 (Worse than birth...) <div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
So here is the rest of the story. And yes what I'm about to share was worse than giving natural child birth. Much much... much worse. </div>
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They were kind enough to take me up on a gurney to the recovery room because my legs were still not very stable. :) So I laid there, they put my sweet girl in my arms, and off we went. When we got to the room upstairs, they helped me get settled into a much more comfortable bed. I got to have some cuddle time with Emma and Mike. The nurse and her assistant came in and went over some paperwork and rules and stuff. Honestly it mostly went over my head - I was pretty exhausted by then. </div>
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We had been there about 30-45 minutes when they came in to take Emma to the nursery to have her blood sugar tested (because I had gestational diabetes) and a few other things. Mike went with her and my mom stayed with me. As they left, I told her and the nurse that I needed to go to the bathroom. So they both helped me to get up. I stood up from the bed - with one of them on each side - took one step.... and woke up on the floor. Later the nurse told me that I reached behind me grabbed the bed and sat down and then fainted. My mom said I practically sat on the nurse and she caught me as I fainted. I remember waking up with a tingly tongue (which totally reminded me of when we used to faint on purpose in Jr. High - yes we were dumb). I remember looking up and seeing the toilet right in front of me in the bathroom and thinking - why am I on the floor. I kind of felt like I was waking up from a nap. When they asked me if I was okay - I told them "I felt rested". Haha - considering I was only out for 10 seconds. Talk about a power nap! </div>
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Anyway, they helped me stand up and that is when things got really exciting. I think my nurse said something like "Uh-oh - we need to get you back in bed." I told her I still had to pee - and she told me firmly NO - get into bed now. That was when I looked down and saw the huge pile of blood on the floor. The reason I fainted - I was hemorrhaging. My first thought was "Mike"! I didn't want him to see that. (Little did I know what was coming) I asked them to keep him out. Luckily he was still down at the nursery. One of the nurses went down and told him what was happening so he would know, but they kept him out. </div>
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Within what seemed to me only 30 seconds, there were 5 or so nurses, a Dr, and my midwife all in the room doing things. With in minutes they had an IV in my arm and a catheter in. Honestly - I didn't mind the catheter - it was nice not to have to get up and go to the bathroom (it came out the next morning). But the IV was dumb, because they couldn't get it in the top of my hand. So they had to put it in the crook of my elbow - which meant I couldn't bend my arm without setting the machines beeping. Have you ever tried to hold or feed a baby without bending your arm? It doesn't work. Anyway. I digress...</div>
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Once they got the IV in they gave me some medicine to help me not feel what they were going to do next. But I felt it anyway. A lot. They began to push on my stomach to get the blood and clots to come out. There was tons of gushing and gushing. It was a lot. I started to cry. Everyone was so serious and hurrying and I was in pain, and still totally exhausted - it was so scary. And it hurt so so so so so bad. The pushing I mean. It felt like they were touching my belly button to my spine. I kept begging them to stop and weakly trying to push their arms away, but obviously they couldn't. And apparently that was not working fast enough, so my midwife (while profusely apologizing) used her hand to manually clean out my uterus of blood clots. Yes, you read that right. It was excruciating! By now I was pretty much screaming, hyperventilating, and begging them to stop over and over again. </div>
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My mom was so great. She stood by me and held my hand. I probably just about squeezed hers right off. Once I started crying she just calmly wiped my tears away and stood by me. It wasn't much but it was huge! I was so grateful that she was there. And that Mike wasn't. I know that he would have wanted to be with me in this. In fact, when he found out it was me that blocked him out, he was pretty mad. Probably still is a bit. But I just am so glad he doesn't have these images in his head. That the memory of Emma's birth can be about the beautiful experience we had had together earlier that morning. Not this - blood and screaming! Turns out he did hear some of it when he was in the hall toward the end of it. How I love this man! He wanted to help and protect me, but in that moment I wanted to protect him. </div>
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Anyway, they finally got it all out. And I finally settled down to a whimpering state. They continued to push on my stomach every 15 minutes for a couple of hours, but it was done. THANK GOODNESS!! Because they said if it hadn't been, they would have to put me out and do a D and C to get the clots out. But luckily they didn't have to do that. After that I finally got some food, and some sleep, and some snuggles and life was good again. </div>
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I truthfully think that this was possibly one of the reasons why the Lord prompted us to have her naturally. If I had an epidural - I wouldn't have stood up to go to the bathroom. Maybe they wouldn't have realized I was hemorrhaging until much later - and maybe it would have been more serious? I don't know. Of course that is just a guess. But either way, I'm so grateful that the birth went so smoothly, and that they were so quick on their feet with the aftermath. I really had the best nurses and Drs! I didn't have one complaint about any of them! </div>
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The next two days were filled with lots of snuggles with Emma, trying to get her to breastfeed (that's another post), visitors, and naps. At the end of it all - I am so happy that we chose a natural waterbirth. I would absolutely do it again!! In fact I'd like to do a home birth. Not sure if that will happen, because of the risk of hemorrhaging again, but we'll see. This was one of the best experiences of my life! When you have the support of those you love and who love you, and the Lord, you can do anything! I plan on teaching Emma that every day! </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-26173193715177735602013-06-25T18:54:00.001-06:002015-05-15T07:46:11.518-06:00Emma's Birth Story<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
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The day Emma was born was one of the <b>best of my life</b> - next to my wedding day. I will forever cherish the memories and feelings of that day and hold them close to my heart. I hope that this post will capture even a small part of the joy we felt. </div>
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Thursday morning (May 16th) around 1am I started having a terrible stomach ache. About every 15 minutes for 2 hours I would wake up with terrible cramping. And for those two hours I thought it was constipation. Truth be told - I wasn't expecting for birthing waves (contractions) to start yet. First of all, I wasn't expecting her to come until the following week. And second of all - I expected they would feel like the Braxton Hicks I had been having for the last several weeks. That tightening of the stomach. This felt like a mixture of gas pains and menstrual cramps and was much lower than I was expecting. So I got up every 15 minutes and tried to go to the bathroom. Around 3:30am I was really starting to get frustrated. I just wanted to sleep!! Finally I had the thought - maybe this isn't gas. :D</div>
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So I got up and went and did some Googling. What did people do before Google? I read several forums of women describing their contractions - all exactly like what I was feeling. So I downloaded a contraction tracker on my phone and started counting. They were every 15 minutes and lasting about a minute and a half. After about 15 minutes - I decided to work. Haha - Might as well do something since I'm up. After I worked for an hour - I decided to try sleeping again. I was able to get a few hours in. Waking up every 15 minutes for a birthing wave. When Mike woke up I let him know he should probably stay home for the day.<br />
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Later I will be posting another post with information about why we chose to go natural - and to do Hypnobabies. For now, I'll just tell you that we did. :) Hypnobabies was a 6 week course to learn not only about birth, but also about how to use self-hypnosis to deal with the discomfort in a peaceful way. </div>
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The Birthing Waves were uncomfortable, but not painful. Just like uncomfortable cramps that would come and go. It's amazing how the second it would stop - I would feel just fine. They continued all through out Thursday at this interval. Sometimes they would be between 7-8 min apart. Those were always shorter though, like 30 seconds. But for the most part they were 15 minutes apart - almost exactly all day. As the day wore on - they did increase in intensity of pressure. I could tell they were shifting to a more productive birthing wave.<br />
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A good part of the day I was so anxious that it was false labor that I didn't really want to tell people. I didn't want to get my hopes up - let alone theirs. But we did eventually tell our families that labor may have started. <br />
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In the afternoon we decided to go for a little walk - not really to get labor going, but more just for a chance to get out of the house for a minute. We walked to the end of our street and back - very very slowly. :) As we were coming back our neighbors were out and we let them know the waves had begun. They have a pool and were so kind to allow me to come over and sit in their pool for about 30 minutes. The water was really warm and it was very soothing for my muscles to enjoy some weightlessness for a while. While I was in the water the waves started to slow down - and I thought maybe it really was just false labor. It was about that time my cousin told me she had false labor contractions for two weeks. Big sigh. :) I was pretty tired and that was kind of a daunting thought. Luckily that wasn't to be the case for me....<br />
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We finished the night out watching a TV show together and breathing through the waves. Also we got the hypnosis scripts out so that Mike could read them to me during the waves. This helped IMMENSELY! A little while after returning home from the pool they continued again and were still every 15 minutes. Around 10pm we decided to go to bed. I was exhausted. While the waves were not "painful" - at least not what I had been expecting really - they were tiring! And it took a lot of focus and energy on my part to help stay out of that painful realm. <br />
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We laid down and I had one wave in bed and got up. It was so much more uncomfortable and I'll say it - painful (during the whole process we really tried to avoid the word pain, as that usually makes you have it) - laying down. I knew at that point it was going to be a long night. I came into our front room where we have a old rocking chair that used to be my Grandma Richards. I sat in the chair with my feet up on an ottoman, wrapped in a blanket. I think I must have slept in between waves, because before I knew it, it was 1:30am. At that point they were still 15 minutes apart for about a min in a half to two minutes - like clockwork. But they were definitely getting much more intense. During that whole night I felt really close to the Spirit. I was praying a lot for help and assistance, as by then I was getting very very tired. I really hadn't slept much. And although Mike fed me well - my energy was waning. <br />
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I woke Mike up and asked him to help me take a bath. We has just finished cleaning most of our house the day before - but the one thing we didn't get done was to scrub the tub clean. So my sweet sweet husband woke up and scrubbed it down for me at 1:30am in the morning. Filled it for me and sat by me while I soaked in the tub. The warm water really helped so much and although I didn't get any sleep - it did help me relax. Which was good and bad - because it kind of made me realize just how exhausted I was. When I got out of the tub, I came back to my chair. I asked Mike to stay with me and he was going to sleep on the couch. At this point my emotions were starting to be pretty raw. I really needed to some relief and some sleep. I asked Mike to give me a blessing to help me sleep. He gave me a beautiful blessing and I really felt my Father in Heaven's love. For the next two hours I slept comfortably in between waves. I would wake up - breath through a wave while Mike said the Hypnobabies scripts to me to help me stay in hypnosis, and then would instantly fall asleep again after the wave ended. It truly was a blessing! <br />
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Around 4am I woke up and stayed awake because the intensity of the pressure was so strong it was starting to take my breath away. As long as I stayed in my hypnosis I managed the sensations okay and was fine. If I stopped though - I would instantly start to really feel the wave and the pain! At this point I stayed awake in between and we started timing again. They were now 5 minutes apart or less and still a minute and a half to two minutes long. I could tell things were getting serious and that this was definitely NOT false labor. After an hour of these waves - we called my parents to have my mom join us. And Mike called Marinda - our Doula - to let her know it was time to make her way here.<br />
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Mom got to our house about 5:30, and Mike was already packing the car. I had a few more waves - and she was great to jump in and start reading scripts to me. At this point it was really difficult to stay focused. The pressure and pain were getting harder and harder. I wanted to take a quick shower - just to rinse off - before leaving, so they helped me get up and in the shower. While there I had at least 3 or 4 more waves. My mom came to check on me and I told her that I was feeling like I should push. I knew that was probably a bad idea - so I didn't. But that made it very obvious - it was time to leave. Mike called Marinda back and told her I was feeling pushy and to meet us at the hospital. My dad had also been planning to join us at my house for a blessing - but we also sent him to the hospital.<br />
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Mike was so great through out the entire process. He was calm, collected, patient, loving, attentive, and just fantastic. The only time he showed any kind of panic was on the harrowing drive to the hospital. He was speeding considerably - and getting frustrated that he kept hitting every red light. I had ear phones in and was trying to stay focused on my hypnosis - but it was kind of crazy ride. Especially when we came up to the Trax train - and the lights started flashing. My sweet - calm - loving husband gunned it and flew across the tracks. Yeah - I was scared at that point. After that I fully expected him to run into the hospital asking where the boiling water was. Haha We were way ahead of the train - and had been going a speed if he had tried to stop - we probably would have hit the rail thing when it dropped, so it was fine. But I still like to tease him about it! <br />
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We pulled up to the hospital and as I stepped out of the car I gave Marinda a hug, and started having a wave. She knew instantly and knew exactly where to put pressure on my hips and back to make it better. At that instant I knew we had made the right decision to hire her and was so grateful to have her with us! Once it ended, I waddled into Labor and Delivery. They took me into triage, and wanted to monitor Emma and I for at least 20 minutes. They had me put on a gown, go to the restroom - and then sadly - I had to get into bed. I was NOT happy about that part. But they needed me to for the monitors. Once they got the monitor on - the nurse asked a few questions for registration. Then she checked me to see how far I was dilated. I told her I didn't want to know how far along I was. I felt really pushy - so I figured I was pretty far along, but didn't want to be disappointed if I wasn't. She did indicate to Marinda how far I was - and Marinda said "Oh yeah - we're good" so I figured we were pretty close.<br />
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The nurse stepped out to check on my room, and the tub - as we were planning on a water birth. This gave us time for my dad to join us so that he and Mike could give me a blessing. It was another beautiful, and comforting blessing. How grateful I was during this whole time to have the Spirit with me, to know that I was doing what Heavenly Father wanted, and that we would have his assistance through out the birth.<br />
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The nurse was only gone for about 5 minutes, when she returned and told us that we needed to go ahead and move into our room right away. She hurriedly got me up wrapped me in a blanket (but it felt like everything below my belly button front and back was flapping in the wind), and took me across the hall to my room. They tried to put me in bed again while we were waiting for the tub to fill - but I just did not want to lay down. So I sat in a chair to wait. By then the waves were coming very quickly and were so so strong. Luckily I had Mike and Marinda there to help me stay focused on my hypnosis, breath, and to stay strong through the IMMENSE PRESSURE. While in the chair - I swear I felt my water break. I even said - I think my water just broke. I felt a rushing pressure and release. But they said that there wasn't anything on the sheet I was sitting on. So it must have broken later in the tub.<br />
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Each wave the feeling to push was getting more and more. The midwife walked in and said "So I hear you're at an 8". Which was funny because everyone was like "no no no - don't tell her". I was fine with it though, because it was an 8. The problem was that I was an 8 and I REALLY wanted to push. But they wouldn't let me until I was at a 10. And it started to just happen - each wave I would have this uncontrollable bearing down feeling. Marinda talked me through and told me it was okay to just give little grunt pushes. So that's what I did. With in what felt to me like 10 min (and an hour at the same time - if that makes sense) I was in the tub, and had been checked again and was finally at a 10. Angela, the midwife, finally gave me the go ahead to push. Ahh, sweet relief to actually push. Until I actually started pushing! Haha then I found out just how hard it was to push and didn't want to so much - even though my body was doing it like it or not.<br />
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I sat against the wall of the tub and had waves and pushed for probably 20 min. I'm not really clear on what the actual timing was. I eventually moved up to my hands and knees for another 20 min or so. And then back on my bum, and then back on my knees. The whole time my mom and Mike were pouring cold water on me and putting cold cloths on me because I was so warm. It was actually the perfect mix. Hot on the bottom - and cool on top. At some point on my hands and knees my hamstrings started to cramp - this was very very unpleasant. And there wasn't really a great way for me to stretch them out. Marinda gave me a homeopathic that helped my legs to relax a bit.<br />
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With each push I could feel Emma moving down, but then when I would stop she would go back up. Okay - TMI moment - having a baby feels exactly like having the largest bowel movement you've ever had. So if you've ever been constipated - then you know what it's like (x10). :D<br />
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Once my legs relaxed again - I started to get so so so tired. I had been pushing for about 50 min (and having waves for over 24 hours). I was exhausted. I kind of wanted to give up. But I knew in my heart that the only way to make it stop was to push through the pain and just get this little doll here. After a particularly tiring push/wave I got really quiet. Everyone in the room got really quiet too - they just let me be. Maybe they thought I was trying to sleep. But really I was praying. I realized that it was time. I knew that I had to bear down and do <b>the hardest thing I've ever done in my life</b>. And I knew that I could not do it by myself. He had prompted me that this was the way to go - and I needed his help now. Because I was so tired, and in pain, and truth be told - I was scared of this last part. But I truly felt his love, power, and help. When the next wave started - I knew this was it. Time to <u><i>really</i></u> push! <br />
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I got upright on my knees, grabbed the handles on the outside of the tub, and the pushing really began. I think it took two waves. That first one I think I moved her down so that she was truly crowning. I could feel her head and knew that we were almost there. And the next wave - I gave it everything I had. And although it felt like I was tearing apart, I could feel her coming down, feel her head come out, and knew that I was moments away from holding our daughter. I think one or two more pushes and her shoulders came through and she was out. Just so you know - if you've heard of the "ring of fire" - it's very very real. BUT.... the second my midwife told me to reach down and pick up my little baby ALL the pain was gone!<br />
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<b>I will never forget this moment.</b> Still on my knees, she was in the water, and I reached down and pulled her little slippery body out and cuddled her in my arms and held her to my chest. We kind of fell back together against the side of the tub. From the moment I saw her sweet little face - which was perfect - I was in love! She was covered in vernix (but not too much) and she screamed right away, they didn't have to clear her throat. We chatted and I told her how much I loved her and that I was so happy she was here. Mike was on the outside of the tub and was very much a part of this moment as we met our daughter. We counted her toes and fingers - all there. It was everything I'd ever hoped for and more!<br />
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We waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsing, and then Mike got to cut it. Then he and Emma stepped away with the nurse so they could weigh and measure her, while my mom and the midwife helped me out of the tub. She weighed 6.4lbs and measured 20 inches (although she was actually 18 - they measured wrong). When they said outloud that she was 6.4lbs - I said "take that diabetes!". We thought she would be bigger because of that - but... she wasn't. I really think that was more to do with how early she was more than my stellar control of my diabetes, but either way. :)<br />
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Side note here - kind of funny. While preparing for the birth I was very concerned with what I would wear in the tub. I didn't want to be nude. I looked for weeks, and tried lots of different options. I didn't want to spend a ton of money, but I wanted something. Finally I found a $10 tankini top that I planned to wear. Funny thing was it didn't even make it inside the hospital for the birth. I was nude. And I could have cared less the entire time. I didn't care that there were about 8 people in the room seeing me naked. I didn't care about my fat. Or my tiny chest. I simply was focused on managing the pressure, and getting this sweet girl here. All sense of shyness and modesty went out the window for that time and I didn't care at all. :) <br />
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Anyway - I got out of the tub and had to lay down so we could get the placenta out and check for tearing. I did end up with at 2nd degree tear, so they numbed me up a bit and sewed me up. There seemed to be some concern about the amount of blood I had and some clots, but after pushing and pushing on my stomach (this sucks), the midwife felt it was all out and everything was good. I didn't hold Emma during this time because I was worried I would flinch and squeeze her too hard. But Mike had the opportunity to do skin to skin with her - and that was so adorable to watch. Finally they handed her to me and I got to cuddle with her again! Oh the joy is inexpressible! Marinda helped us attempt to breastfeed, Emma didn't want to latch so it didn't go so well. After about 15 minutes Marinda said her goodbyes and they came and took us upstairs. I thought that our birthing story would end there... unfortunately there was a little more to come. Stay tuned.... </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-6537910318200770692013-05-26T11:19:00.001-06:002013-05-26T11:19:09.930-06:00In the Beginning<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
6 1/2 almost 7 years ago I turned to Mike one night and told him I wanted a baby. He gulped - and agreed. We had gone off of birth control already, because it was causing some problems with my body. After going off of birth control, I did not have a period for two years. We had some tests done - but every one of them came back normal. The Dr. wasn't sure why I wasn't having periods, and usually blamed it on my weight. Although this was never an easy pill to swallow - I did have to acknowledge that when I was down in weight on my mission - I had fairly regular periods. We didn't give up hope though, even though I wasn't having periods. We kept praying that something would give. During those first few years I stayed pretty positive, and felt that eventually we would have a child. </div>
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As the years went on, it became a little harder to keep up hope. There were lots of tears, lots of doubts about myself - and about God. Was it because I wasn't fit to be a mother? Because I couldn't be trusted? Because I was too selfish? Satan surely enjoyed playing on my insecurities during this time, and often I let him. I remember one Sunday about 3 1/2 years ago we were at my parents ward. In Relief Society I was sitting next to a woman holding her 2 or 3 month old. I pretty much avoided all things baby at this point - it was just too painful. So you can imagine my discomfort when she turned to me asked me to hold him - thrusting him in my arms before I could decline. At first it was very awkward, but he eventually settled into my arms. As I stared down at this little baby the Spirit washed over me. I don't often hear words when I'm feeling the Spirit. But that day He whispered to me. "Just wait. Be patient." My mom - who was sitting next to me - said she looked over and I had big alligator tears running down my cheeks. In that moment I knew that the delay in our family starting was not because of my shortcomings. That I just needed to have faith, trust in His plan for us, and just use this time to become a better person. So that's what I began to do. </div>
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Over the next few years, things got better. Although all things baby were still tough - I tried to hold on to the promise I'd been given. And although I wasn't always great at it - really did try to use the time to become a better person. To love and serve more. To take better care of my body - which has always been a struggle. To be a better wife, daughter, friend, and person. While I still have far to go, I feel like I did make a lot of strides during this time. </div>
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Through out all this time we did do some testing. But we never did any serious fertility treatments - beyond forcing my body to have a period now and then. We always felt like that would be a part of getting pregnant, we just hadn't done it yet. A big part of that was money. We hadn't managed our money as well as we should and put ourselves in a position that we just didn't have the resources at the time. Looking back - I don't think we were really supposed to do it. On a spiritual level, I think that we were focused where Heavenly Father wanted us focused. I don't regret the choice not to do it. <br />
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All of this leads us into last year. The feeling that it was time to really start trying had been growing stronger and stronger. Last year was a year full of trials and overwhelming blessings. I had met and started working with a hypnotherapist. With her I began to really dump a lot of old hurts and things that were holding me back. Things from as far back as elementary school. I truly believe because of the work we did together, my hormones started to level out a bit and I started having periods. I had four last year (may not seem like a lot, but when you've only had one a year for about 4 or 5 years - that's a big increase). We also started to work on our fiances and to get things in order. We started paying a diligent fast offering - and were blessed abundantly. Including a huge promotion and raise for Mike that we were not expecting! <br />
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We both felt that we were being prepared and that it was time to start the real fight to get pregnant. In September we had discussed it and decided we would finish out the year - continuing to work on losing weight. And in January when the insurance re-set, we would start getting tested. 3 weeks after this conversation, we found out we were pregnant. This truly was such a big shock and such a huge huge huge blessing. I truly expected to spend at minimum - $10,000 to get pregnant. We have several family and friends that have been through this battle. We had discussed it with them, and we were preparing for that. Maybe only in the hear after I'll know why we were spared that, but I will forever and ever be so grateful. And thus our little miracle baby was conceived. But the miracles didn't stop there... more to come. </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-43470242933370770252013-04-16T17:51:00.000-06:002013-04-16T17:54:32.086-06:00Hormones - sheesh!! <div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
I had two appointments today. One was with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Drs for a non stress test (NST) (just keeping an eye on her because of the gestational diabetes) and then my regular appointment. My appointment for the NST was at 9:45am. </div>
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9:40am - Checked in, then sat down to wait. While waiting I was happy to see two friends, one I hadn't seen in a very long time, Peaches, that I worked with at girls camp. And the other from our ward, Liz Johnson. We had a nice visit, until they each were called in. </div>
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10:30am - As I went to sit back down from chatting with Liz, I noticed it was now 10:30. I thought it was weird I'd been waiting so long, so I stopped at the desk to find out if they had forgotten me. The same receptionist told me that the NST rooms were a little backed up, and that she thought I would be getting right in. So I sat back down. </div>
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10:35am</div>
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10:45am - starting to get really frustrated! It's been an hour!! </div>
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10:50am - Getting mad! </div>
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10:55am - So mad I think I'm going to cry.... </div>
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11:00am - Tears start leaking out - but I'm trying to hold them back.....</div>
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11:05am - Not having luck holding back the tears - full on tears trickling down my face now. I know I need to go talk to the receptionist - but I feel so silly that I'm crying that I don't want to. I am doing everything I can think of to calm down (breath, go to my calm place, drink water, chew gum, blow my nose, laughing at myself, etc.)</div>
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11:10am - Get tears under control - until another patient comes and checks in for an NST (I could hear) and gets called back. The flood of tears really starts coming. At this point I have watched the waiting room fill up and empty twice. Still kind of chuckling at myself too - because I just can't control the tears. At all. </div>
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11:15am - Think I have it under control enough now to actually go say something. I walk up to the desk and get out "I'm trying to be reasonable.... " and start sobbing! So hard I couldn't even tell her my name. I felt SOO dumb, which just made it that much worse! So then I'm half laughing, but mostly crying. And the laughing just makes the tears and crying sound much worse! She asked if I checked in - I told her I did - with her. She asked why I didn't come say something. I told her I did after 45 min - to her. One of the other receptionist couldn't find me and I said my appt had been at 9:45am. She was like WHAT! hahaha</div>
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Anyway... it turns out somehow my file got put away instead of in the pile to be called. When I asked at 45 min - she didn't check it. She felt really really bad, I could tell it was an honest mistake. They got me back there right away and everything from there went perfect. Emma was squirmy as usual and has a strong heart beat as usual. </div>
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Dang these extra hormones!!! But I've learned my lesson - next time if I feel like I'm going to cry - get up and talk to someone RIGHT then and make sure they locate my file!! :) Don't let it escalate - geez! hahahahahaha</div>
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Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-51230864677221546292013-04-04T15:58:00.002-06:002013-04-04T15:58:42.335-06:003rd Trimester and Update<div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
So far - the third trimester has been my favorite by far! Although I have had a cold and a couple of scares, I have had the most energy and been able to do the most! And my good friends Sharon from my ward and her daughter-in -law who I worked with at Brighton Girls Camp threw me a shower for my ward friends. That was so fun and the ladies from the ward really spoiled us! People are so generous!! </div>
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I don't like showers typically. Even my wedding showers - just not a huge fan of being center of attention. I like being the side show. :) Baby showers especially have always been very painful as we've tried to get pregnant through out the years. I pulled up to the house and there were all these pink balloons up and I sighed and thought - I hate showers. But then I looked and read the balloon that said "It's a Girl" and remembered - that's OUR girl that balloon is talking about! And it was like reality slapped me in the face that this shower was for ME and that I am having a baby!! AHHHHHH :D Once I relaxed a bit and found a comfy chair, I really enjoyed the party. We received mostly clothes and they are ALL so darling!! They are now hanging in her closet waiting to be spit up on! ;) </div>
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Because of the energy boost - we've been able to get the nursery cleaned out completely, the crib up (of course Mike did that), and the room mostly set up. There are still a few things to do - like paint he shelves and hang them, and some decorations. I am making the crib skirt, a cover for the bumper to match the quilt my Sister in Law made for us. And the drapes. I also want to make some wall hangings, maybe a baby bag, and a cover for the chair we are using. Obviously some of this will have to be done later. So still some projects to get done. But it does look like a baby is coming and I love that! Willow doesn't so much though - I think all the changes are making her nervous - she peed on our bed the other day for no reason. :( This is going to be fun! </div>
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From here on out we have a lot to do! While I'm working on those projects listed above, Mike is in full swing training mode for his 1/2 Iron Man that is only four weeks away!! WOW!! I'm so proud of all he has done - he has worked so hard. Because it's in St. George I won't be able to go see him, but I will be with him in heart. We do have some family and a friend going with him, so that's good! He needs good cheerleaders!! </div>
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Other fun things - I'm starting to actually fill out my bra! Woo hoo! :D That's a first! And my ankles are swelling pretty good most days, if I don't remember to wear compression socks and keep my feet up. And last but not least - I've learned that prunes are a miracle fruit - I won't say anymore than that! ;) </div>
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Now for the yucky stuff - mostly just so I have it documented. Read it or not - whatever. Beware - may be too much info for some. :) </div>
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About three weeks ago we went in for the last ultrasound with the Research study we are participating in. I was pretty excited because we were getting 3D pics. I know most people think they look creepy - and I'll admit some of them do. But we got two really clear shots of her face and she is so cute! We invited my parents along and they really loved getting to see her. </div>
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After my parents left they also did a vaginal ultrasound. They said everything looked fine until she pushed on my stomach, that made the top of my cervix - next to the uterus - start to open. She was concerned about this and sent us over to the midwives to be checked. They did two tests, one was a swab to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid. The other was a digit test to see if I was dilated. I was not prepared for what the digit test meant - so that was not a pleasant experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha But the good news was I was not dilated. The test for the amniotic fluid - she told us if it came back positive that there was a 50% chance we would deliver within 2 weeks. Luckily it came back within an hour (that was a very scary and emotional hour), and was negative. She did give us a bishop score of my cervix as a 3. The scale goes 0-10 - 10 being ready to deliver. I should be a 0. While this doesn't mean a ton - it's something to watch. They told me to keep an eye on things and if I noticed any changes to let them know. </div>
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Fast forward until last week, I started noticing that it seemed like I was now leaking a fluid. My undewear were consistently wet, and I couldn't quite tell if I was just not doing a good job of holding it in or if this was something else. After a couple of days I decided I wasn't peeing myself and called the Midwives. I wasn't too worried, and figured they would have me come back in to do another swab test. Well - no. They said I am far enough along this could indicate preterm labor and sent me to L&D to be checked. I called Mike, and off we went - again. Sigh. </div>
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We were there for about 3 hours and they checked several things. They monitored Emma most the time - and her heart was just fine. They also monitored for contractions (I didn't feel any, but just in case) and there weren't any. She did an examine and the swab test where they look at the fluid under a micro scope. Also a paper test that tells them right away. Both those came back negative - I was NOT leaking amniotic fluid. Which is good - because if I had been she said I would be admitted to the hospital for the following two weeks and induced at 34 weeks. Although she did say she could see something during the exam, so I wasn't just peeing myself either. That made me feel a little better. They also tested for an infection, and a UTI. Both those also came back negative. So she said it is probably just an increase in discharge and that it's nothing to worry about. </div>
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So many adventures!! I can only imagine what the next 7-9 weeks hold for us! Ready or not - here we come! </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8576318789655982930.post-48341931151775718072013-03-31T14:09:00.002-06:002013-03-31T14:09:27.877-06:00Happy Easter! <div style="color: black; font-family: Century Gothic; font-size: 16px;">
Today has been such a beautiful day. The kind of day that every Easter should be like. The sun is shinning and sharing it's warmth! There is a light Spring breeze, the birds are chirping, and the daffodil's and tulips are starting to bloom. It is GORGEOUS outside! And while we did wake up to a small basket of goodies from the Easter bunny this morning, that is not what made today sweet. </div>
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What made it so sweet, beautiful, and light is the Spirit that I felt as I prayed this morning to thank my Father in heaven for the MANY blessings in my life. For such a loving, kind, and thoughtful husband that each day teaches me to be a better person! And as I wrapped my arms around my tummy and our baby - to be able to say thank you for this precious gift. </div>
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Also it was so sweet for the beautiful services presented today in church. For the beautiful music and talks that were given today in church. There was a gorgeous duet played on the piano and cello in Sacrament. And three of my good friends, Melissa, Tami, & Jennette sang a capella song about Christ that was simple and melodic. And just beautiful and touching. For the testimonies of our Savior's love for us, and for his ultimate sacrifice that makes it possible for us to not only be free from sin and sorrow - but to live again with Him some day. </div>
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I couldn't let this day go by without bearing my own simple testimony that he lives. He knows us, he loves us, and he is with us always! I love Him and will spend my life saying thank you for all the gifts he has given! </div>
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Happy Easter to my family and friends! I love you! </div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13002949544678789625noreply@blogger.com0